ruffians | plot twist: teenagers are bad at feelings

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plot twist: teenagers are bad at feelings

[So. He said a lot of things he'd never planned to say at all ever. That's fine. Eames can live with that. He's said a lot of dumb shit in his life so far and he hasn't died yet.]

[Of course, previous instances of 'dumb shit' weren't an incomplete baring of his surprisingly complicated feelings surrounding anal sex. Which, well. He's never thought about it at any great length, so it leaves him feeling deeply embarrassed and angry about being embarrassed in the first place. Eames elects to spend the weekend with some other friends to blow off steam, any texts from Arthur getting a quick "sorry, busy" in response so he doesn't have to think about what a fucking moron he is.]

[It's harder to ignore him come Monday, but Eames thinks the fact that he's turned up hungover as fuck and mainlining energy drinks to get through the day does a lot to stop anyone from talking to him. And the one class he has with Arthur that day, he spends the time sleeping in his car instead. And the one after that. And basically the rest of the school day. Still there once people start filtering out for the end of the day.]

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No, stop. [Arthur turns to him and stops just short of putting his hand on his shoulder.]

I want to understand this.

I don't think you can.

[Arthur considers that possibility with a frown, and decides he doesn't like it.]

Try me.

It's... Complicated. [He huffs a small laugh.] And stupid, probably.

[Eames frowns, resting his chin on his knee, and gestures broadly.]

I just... You're so normal, you know?

[Great start excellent work.]

[Arthur sighs and turns toward him on the bed.]

Only because I try so hard to be.

[HA... He'll have to circle round to that because there's another thing he has complaints about.]

Yeah, okay, but-- I'm not like that. I don't know how to be like that. We don't even think about stuff the same way and I...

[He's gesturing a lot while he speaks, but he pauses to drag his hands down his face, struggling to find the words and filter them out before everything he's thinking comes tumbling out on its own.]

Maybe I'm fucked up, you know? Maybe I'm fucking you up too.

[Arthur's never thought of Eames as a self-conscious person. That's part of the reason he's so drawn to him - he's jealous of how much confidence he manages to show. It's exciting being around him for that. So this is new and it's hard for him to deal with, and he does his best to be patient but firm.]

You're not fucked up, and I don't get how you think you'd be fucking me up. It's not like I'm some impressionable kid.

[Eames shakes his head; it's like every time he says anything he regrets it immediately, and frankly he doesn't want Arthur to see all of this. He doesn't want anyone to see it, but it's so much fucking easier to push it aside with people who don't know him the way Arthur does.]

I said it was stupid.

[Arthur shuffles a bit closer, still not touching him but just trying to get closer so Eames will listen to him.]

It's not stupid. It's not true, but if you're worried about it then we should figure it out.

[He pauses a beat, looking down at his hands.] It sucked not being able to talk to my best friend this weekend.

That's the thing though.

[He tilts his head, turning a little so he can actually look at Arthur. If he looks afraid, it's only because what he's about to say is actually kind of terrifying on a number of levels.]

It's really fucking hard not to second-guess myself when you're around.

[Arthur's purely confused and concerned.]

What do you mean? Am I doing something?

It's your whole... [He gestures at Arthur's face.] I get it, so I don't say anything. You don't want people to think you're gay, you don't want-- [Deep breath and a shrug] Fucking whatever, you know? But when your best mate doesn't want people to know that about him, it's hard not feeling like I should be ashamed or something.

[Eames sucks in another shaky breath, swallowing and forcing himself to continue on before Arthur can interject. He knows himself, he knows he'll try to back out of talking about this again if he stops. He looks down at the bed between them, gesturing as he speaks with a hand, the other still hugging his knee to his chest.]

And then you say you wanna try it and it's hard to even believe you, let alone thinking about all the ways you'd be disgusted or... Who knows what, if we actually tried it.

[Arthur follows Eames' gestures with intense focus as he tries to digest every word he's saying. There's a knot growing in his stomach as he considers his options here - the things Eames is talking about really speak to something he agonizes about, but he also hates the idea that it's hurting Eames. It all seems insurmountable, and he has to be silent for a long moment before he replies. This isn't about the sex anymore.]

I don't... it's not about people thinking I'm gay. It's about people talking about me at all. That's why I try so hard to be normal, I'm trying... I guess I'm trying to make sure no one has any reason to talk about me because it freaks me out. I hate that it does, but...

[He pushes his hair back with a sigh. He knows on some level he is ashamed, if only because he knows what people expect him to do and being with a guy isn't part of that. It's kind of scary to go against what people expect.]

You get away with it because you don't care what people say. [he laughs nervously] I've always been jealous of that.

[Eames turns a little more toward Arthur, offering a small smirk, if looking pretty damn ragged right now, because he's about to say some dumb shit.]

I'm not saying I want you to go around singing about how great having a hard cock in your mouth is, just so you know.

[Though now he's said it, Eames would pay good money to see that. If only because it's so fantastically out of character for Arthur. But that's not important right now, he shakes his head.]

I know it's not exactly all rosy for you or anything, I'm just saying... I don't give a shit what most people think, but-- My friends? You? [He shrugs a shoulder] I'd tell you to fuck off out of my life if you were seriously being a prick, but it'd still hurt.

[Arthur laughs nervously again even as he winces at the comment about hard cocks in his mouth, but he loses his smile as Eames keeps talking. Time to get to the heart of the matter.]

I wouldn't hang around with you or do any of this if I thought it was actually shameful. I'm not one of those guys that gets off on something because it's forbidden, I...

[He shrugs.]

I get off because I like it. It'd be pretty hypocritical of me to think less of you just 'cause you're more open about it.

Well you wouldn't be the first hypocrite I'd hooked up with.

[HA HA HA oh that's not as funny as it was in his head. Eames frowns, dragging a hand his hair and scratching his head.]

... I know you're not like that.

[Arthur sighs and nods, thankful just for the verbal confirmation.]

So you know when I say I want to try something, it's not for any reason other than, you know, I actually want to try it.

I know, I know.

[He hangs his head, nodding loosely. He feels like such a fucking idiot and massively embarrassed and he really wants a drink even if he's still recovering from the previous night. Eames laughs awkwardly, bringing a hand to the back of his neck.]

God I feel fucking stupid.

[Arthur sighs heavily, feeling tired by this whole conversation.]

Don't. I think it's just easy to forget that our shit affects each other.

[Ugh. DEEP BREATH. There's more he could say but he's not going to, because this is too much. It's too many feelings. Eames purses his lips thoughtfully for a moment and bumps his fist against Arthur's thigh.]

I'm sorry about going dark on you all weekend.

[Arthur smirks a little.]

Sorry for freaking out a bit when you talked about putting your dick in my ass.

[Eames snorts.] Well. Now that we're friends again...

[Guess who's getting wrestled to the mattress in about three seconds.]

[Spoiler: it's Arthur]

[Arthur makes an embarrassing surprised sound when Eames wrestles him, but he starts laughing right away. He doesn't know if this is a sex thing or a not-sex thing but he's here for any excuse to be slightly affectionate after that heavy talk.]

[It's (mostly) not-sex, Eames is just pumped to not be having that conversation anymore and also glad he hasn't tanked their friendship, so this is how he's choosing to express it. He laughs a little too, jostling Arthur about a bit until he can swing a leg over and sit on his stomach.]

But seriously, are you still mad?

[Arthur looks up at him with a genuine smile, so relieved that they can do this again.]

I wasn't mad, just confused.

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