ruffians | plot twist: teenagers are bad at feelings

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plot twist: teenagers are bad at feelings

[So. He said a lot of things he'd never planned to say at all ever. That's fine. Eames can live with that. He's said a lot of dumb shit in his life so far and he hasn't died yet.]

[Of course, previous instances of 'dumb shit' weren't an incomplete baring of his surprisingly complicated feelings surrounding anal sex. Which, well. He's never thought about it at any great length, so it leaves him feeling deeply embarrassed and angry about being embarrassed in the first place. Eames elects to spend the weekend with some other friends to blow off steam, any texts from Arthur getting a quick "sorry, busy" in response so he doesn't have to think about what a fucking moron he is.]

[It's harder to ignore him come Monday, but Eames thinks the fact that he's turned up hungover as fuck and mainlining energy drinks to get through the day does a lot to stop anyone from talking to him. And the one class he has with Arthur that day, he spends the time sleeping in his car instead. And the one after that. And basically the rest of the school day. Still there once people start filtering out for the end of the day.]

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[Arthur sighs and braces himself for a negative reaction just in case.]

You're acting weird.

[Eames raises an eyebrow as he opens the door, briefly contemplates the living room but he doesn't want his mum to get back and they're still doing... Whatever this is.]

[His room it is then.]

I don't think I am.

[Arthur follows, looking concerned.]

You didn't text me back all weekend and then you showed up to school today hungover. The hungover part is whatever but you just quit talking to me after Saturday morning.

I was busy.

[He shrugs and sits down on his bed, scratching his head with a sigh.]

Sorry, but it happens.

[Arthur doesn't know what to say to that. Eames is doing a fine job of avoiding the subject entirely, so maybe it's time to change tack. He sighs and sits down next to Eames, giving him a bit of space, staring down at his hands.]

It was really embarrassing for me to say all that stuff and then you just gave me radio silence all weekend.

What have you got to be embarrassed about?

[Here he is, totally missing the issue.]

Well, not embarrassed, but...

[He rubs the back of his neck.]

You know it's hard for me to talk about that stuff. I told you I wanted that and then you just let me freak out for two days about it.

I'm sorry, I am, I just...

[He sighs, looking down at his hands in his lap.]

I needed some space.

[Arthur stops himself from immediately asking why, furrowing his brows and looking up at Eames.]

Well, I kinda needed someone to keep me from feeling crazy over all this, and it's not like I was going to talk to anyone else about it.

Well maybe I wasn't exactly in the right place to deal with it.

[It comes out harsher than intended, but that's that. He sighs and pulls a leg up, hugging it to his chest with a frown.]

[This time Arthur can't help himself. He tries to sound patient but he doesn't understand and he's desperate to so they can move on from this.]

Why? You said you thought about it and I told you I wanted to try it. I don't get why you're freaking out about this.

Look, you don't-- [He sucks in a breath, still not looking at Arthur. Because now he feels like he's overreacting to something stupid and that just makes him feel embarrassed all over again.] Just forget it, okay?

No, stop. [Arthur turns to him and stops just short of putting his hand on his shoulder.]

I want to understand this.

I don't think you can.

[Arthur considers that possibility with a frown, and decides he doesn't like it.]

Try me.

It's... Complicated. [He huffs a small laugh.] And stupid, probably.

[Eames frowns, resting his chin on his knee, and gestures broadly.]

I just... You're so normal, you know?

[Great start excellent work.]

[Arthur sighs and turns toward him on the bed.]

Only because I try so hard to be.

[HA... He'll have to circle round to that because there's another thing he has complaints about.]

Yeah, okay, but-- I'm not like that. I don't know how to be like that. We don't even think about stuff the same way and I...

[He's gesturing a lot while he speaks, but he pauses to drag his hands down his face, struggling to find the words and filter them out before everything he's thinking comes tumbling out on its own.]

Maybe I'm fucked up, you know? Maybe I'm fucking you up too.

[Arthur's never thought of Eames as a self-conscious person. That's part of the reason he's so drawn to him - he's jealous of how much confidence he manages to show. It's exciting being around him for that. So this is new and it's hard for him to deal with, and he does his best to be patient but firm.]

You're not fucked up, and I don't get how you think you'd be fucking me up. It's not like I'm some impressionable kid.

[Eames shakes his head; it's like every time he says anything he regrets it immediately, and frankly he doesn't want Arthur to see all of this. He doesn't want anyone to see it, but it's so much fucking easier to push it aside with people who don't know him the way Arthur does.]

I said it was stupid.

[Arthur shuffles a bit closer, still not touching him but just trying to get closer so Eames will listen to him.]

It's not stupid. It's not true, but if you're worried about it then we should figure it out.

[He pauses a beat, looking down at his hands.] It sucked not being able to talk to my best friend this weekend.

That's the thing though.

[He tilts his head, turning a little so he can actually look at Arthur. If he looks afraid, it's only because what he's about to say is actually kind of terrifying on a number of levels.]

It's really fucking hard not to second-guess myself when you're around.

[Arthur's purely confused and concerned.]

What do you mean? Am I doing something?

It's your whole... [He gestures at Arthur's face.] I get it, so I don't say anything. You don't want people to think you're gay, you don't want-- [Deep breath and a shrug] Fucking whatever, you know? But when your best mate doesn't want people to know that about him, it's hard not feeling like I should be ashamed or something.

[Eames sucks in another shaky breath, swallowing and forcing himself to continue on before Arthur can interject. He knows himself, he knows he'll try to back out of talking about this again if he stops. He looks down at the bed between them, gesturing as he speaks with a hand, the other still hugging his knee to his chest.]

And then you say you wanna try it and it's hard to even believe you, let alone thinking about all the ways you'd be disgusted or... Who knows what, if we actually tried it.

[Arthur follows Eames' gestures with intense focus as he tries to digest every word he's saying. There's a knot growing in his stomach as he considers his options here - the things Eames is talking about really speak to something he agonizes about, but he also hates the idea that it's hurting Eames. It all seems insurmountable, and he has to be silent for a long moment before he replies. This isn't about the sex anymore.]

I don't... it's not about people thinking I'm gay. It's about people talking about me at all. That's why I try so hard to be normal, I'm trying... I guess I'm trying to make sure no one has any reason to talk about me because it freaks me out. I hate that it does, but...

[He pushes his hair back with a sigh. He knows on some level he is ashamed, if only because he knows what people expect him to do and being with a guy isn't part of that. It's kind of scary to go against what people expect.]

You get away with it because you don't care what people say. [he laughs nervously] I've always been jealous of that.

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