ruffians | and you know me

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and you know me

[Eames doesn't know how to feel about things. He never does after this. It's... Easier than it used to be. He doesn't know why. Maybe it's just a matter of trust, but there's other issues, ones that get louder every time. Because he can't ignore that this is part of him anymore, and neither can Arthur.]

[He doesn't want to focus too much on what Arthur must think, but he can't shake it. He lays on the bed, ignoring various aches and pains, trying not to look at Arthur.]

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[They don't actually have to leave, but they're ready to go and Arthur starts making preparations right away as he grabs something to eat. He'd rather sit out at low orbit right now anyway, let the quiet clear his mind. It's always calming to stare down at a planet from that height and think about how you can't tell what matters and what doesn't from way up here. Right now someone else's partner is getting home from a stupid barfight and having an argument and it doesn't really fucking matter in the long run.]

[Still, it hurts when it's Eames. Maybe Eames is just always too close of a problem for Arthur to get the right perspective, or maybe that's just how it's supposed to be with love. How depressing.]

[After a few hours Arthur just manages the takeoff by himself. They already have plans for their next stop but it's no rush, so he's just going to sit and run some numbers in the captain's chair and think about life and how much Eames drives him crazy sometimes.]

[Eames is pretty much dead to the world for a good five or six hours, but he wakes up feeling great. A little hungry and very thirsty, but otherwise he feels refreshed and calm, which he's sorely been missing. There's a little residual bruising around his eye and on his hands, but it doesn't hurt so Eames doesn't fuss about it, just takes a quick shower and throws on some clean, undamaged clothes, and wanders into the kitchen to get a glass of water and something starchy to eat.]

[If he remembered anything about coming back and talking to Arthur he might feel a little less fantastic, a little guilty maybe, but lucky for Eames he doesn't really remember anything at all.]

[If the state of calm were a spectrum, Arthur would be at the other end. He's in the captain's chair leaning back and sipping some coffee, bare feet resting up on the side of the dashboard as he considers his life and his choices. He feels heavy and a little tired, but not in the way that makes him want to sleep. Just worn out. He wants to understand Eames and he's doing the best he can sitting here alone, but he's aware of the fact that he can't get into Eames' head, and he's really trying to drop his judgment so they can actually talk when they next get an opportunity. It's something he always struggles with in every aspect of his life, but he's had plenty of practice with Eames.]

[Relationships are so hard sometimes.]

[Once he feels sufficiently fed, Eames takes his water with him to the cockpit, assuming that's where Arthur is since Eames hasn't seen him anywhere else. He leans against the chair when he gets there, lazily hanging an arm over the back so he can play with Arthur's hair.]

How long have you been in here?

[Arthur appreciates the affection, as complicated as his feelings are at the moment. He tilts his head a little to invite more of it.]

Since you came back from the bar, I guess. I took a nap at some point.

[He smiles fondly and keeps playing with Arthur's hair, happy to do this as long as he wants.]

You should get some rest. I can take over.

I'm fine.

[He's very comfy in this chair and there's nothing really to do until they're ready to go. Plus he has coffee.]

[He turns to frown up at Eames softly, getting the feeling that he doesn't remember what happened when he got back to the ship.]

You were pretty drunk last night, huh.

[Well that makes him pause, and he frowns back.]

I didn't do anything embarrassing when I got back, did I?

[He shakes his head.]

No, it's just...

[A sigh. He looks back out at the planet. Eames is in a good mood right now and Arthur doesn't want to ruin that completely.]

Maybe we should talk about it later.

[Well now it sounds like he really fucked up somehow and Eames makes a face at him in concern.]

What did I do?

Nothing.

[It comes out a little too quickly and Arthur has to take a breath so he can follow up and explain himself.]

I just don't like seeing you come back to the ship like that and I think we need to talk about it. But I don't want to... [What, ruin his mood? Seems like he's already well on the way to doing that.] You just woke up.

[Well this is happening. Eames sighs and moves to lean against the console opposite Arthur.]

Might as well.

[Arthur sighs and gazes up at Eames, leaning his head back on the chair and cradling the coffee cup in his lap.]

I'm just worried about you. One of these fights could turn really bad and I think they could be completely avoided if we had just... talked. About why you're doing it. You know I want to help you.

[Eames shrugs a shoulder, looking past Arthur to the doorway. He can't think of a conversation he'd like to have less.]

We did talk.

Yeah and we only got as far as making both of us feel like shit.

[Arthur's eyes settle on the planet again. Perspective. Deep breath.]

I never thought it had to stop completely, I just couldn't keep watching you hate yourself afterwards, and I didn't get why you couldn't just get through that so we could try it again without all the shame.

[There's a strange lump in his throat and his voice stays far away, like he's trying to separate himself from the words and feelings.]

And you seemed so happy and settled when you got back, and when you got up too... that's what I want to make you feel. I don't think you have to risk your life to get that.

You did.

[He shrugs again, honestly not seeing the point in hashing this out again. Arthur doesn't want all the other shit, and Eames doesn't exactly blame him for it, just means he has to go back to this.]

[He shakes his head, starting to feel frustration and something else tighten in his chest.]

So why the hell would you turn over and refuse to look at me afterwards? Do you have any idea how that makes me feel?

Yeah, that's why it's this now instead.

[He shakes his head and pushes off the console to leave. Coming in here was a mistake obviously.]

I don't know why we're talking about this, I told you how I felt wasn't going to change.

Don't, don't leave.

[He turns to give Eames a pleading look.]

Please, I don't want it to be like this.

[Eames huffs and stops in place, shaking his head.]

I don't know what else I can say.

[Shaking his head, he looks back down at his coffee.]

I don't understand why you can't just try.

Do you think I haven't?

[If he didn't sound annoyed before, he does now, working his jaw in frustration.]

Arthur, I've always been like this. It's not going to suddenly change because now I'm not the only person who hates it.

You didn't seem ashamed last night.

[Arthur's starting to get worked up too, volume going up and the pace of his words a little more frantic.]

I just don't get it, if it's the same thing that makes you want it rough or to get beat up, why is it that sex with me is what makes you go fucking catatonic afterwards? I'm not uncomfortable with the sex, not if it makes you feel good, but it's like you're an entirely different person after.

I was also extremely fucking drunk last night. You probably could've pushed me off the ship and taken off and I'd have thought it was a weird joke.

[That feels like a fairly important point to him right now.]

[Arthur shakes his head, taking a deep breath.]

I just want you to let me help you.

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