and you know me

[falsify]

[Eames doesn't know how to feel about things. He never does after this. It's... Easier than it used to be. He doesn't know why. Maybe it's just a matter of trust, but there's other issues, ones that get louder every time. Because he can't ignore that this is part of him anymore, and neither can Arthur.]

[He doesn't want to focus too much on what Arthur must think, but he can't shake it. He lays on the bed, ignoring various aches and pains, trying not to look at Arthur.]

Comments

[specifiercity]

[Arthur’s done a good job not really saying anything about this since the first time, but the elephant in the room is feeling larger than it ever has been. He’s not really upset about it but there’s clearly something going on here.]

[So after a short silence while he cleans himself up, Arthur lets out a sigh and looks down at Eames from where he’s sitting up.]

You okay?

[falsify]

Yeah. Of course.

[He doesn't bother attempting a smile, knowing Arthur would probably see right through it. Instead he just tries to ride that exhaustion and hopes Arthur will assume any oddness on his part is just that.]

You? I know this isn't exactly what gets you going.

[specifiercity]

I’m fine.

[His tone clearly indicates that he’s not interested in talking about his own feelings.]

I don’t mind doing it, I just want to make sure it’s not weird or anything.

[falsify]

[He's not really sure where to go from there, some part of him taking that as some indication Arthur must hate this even if that's a pretty big leap to make. He frowns a little and reaches for the covers to pull them over with a small shake of his head.]

No, no. It was good.

[specifiercity]

[Arthur watches him a moment longer, deliberating with a frown on his face. When he speaks again it's with thought and care - this isn't a passing observation, he really is worried.]

You're just being really quiet.

[falsify]

It's nothing, I'm just tired.

[He offers a small smile this time, though honestly he knows better than to think it'll mollify Arthur.]

[specifiercity]

[It doesn't, but Arthur falls silent again as he slides down to lay next to Eames, wrapping an arm around him and pressing up close.]

It feels like there's something we need to talk about.

[He leans in to kiss the nearest part of Eames' face.]

You know you can trust me.

[falsify]

[Eames immediately takes the opportunity to pull himself close, arms tight around Arthur for a moment before he wills his body to relax with a sigh. He needs this, it's the trade-off for opening himself up like he has. Leaves all of him feeling like an open wound, raw and exposed.]

[He'd like to just enjoy this, finally have that sedate feeling wash over him, but he feels likr Arthur's not going to let this go so easily. Eames sighs heavily and tries to tuck his face against Arthur before he speaks.]

I don't know why I'm like this.

[specifiercity]

[The fact that Eames isn't brushing it off in whole is promising. Arthur rubs his back.]

Like what?

[falsify]

Like this.

[He emphasises as if it should be obvious he's talking about the sex they just had, almost annoyed that Arthur isn't immediately getting it.]

[specifiercity]

[Arthur sighs, because he's really not sure if it's the sex itself or the mood Eames gets in afterwards. He knows there's no point in asking for more clarification judging by Eames's tone.]

There doesn't really have to be a why if it's just something you're into. We've all got something like that. You just always get so quiet afterwards.

[falsify]

It's not something I'm into, I don't like this.

[Wait, wait--] I mean the sex itself is great-- You're great, but it's not...

[He trails off weakly, unsure of how to explain it. He's never tried before, never given it enough thought.]

[specifiercity]

Not what?

[Arthur sounds curious and patient, despite tensing up a little at the idea that Eames doesn't even like the rough stuff.]

It seems like you really want it whenever you ask.

[falsify]

It's more like I need it. Like there's something in me that needs to be subdued.

[He breathes out a tired, unamused laugh.]

Sometimes I couldn't wait to get off this ship. The second I could make an excuse to get away, I'd find the shittiest bar and fuck or fight anyone until I felt calm again.

[specifiercity]

[Arthur takes a deep breath, trying to process this as best he can before he responds.]

I'm not going to pretend that what we do isn't a little bit beyond getting wound up and wanting rougher sex once in a while, but...

[He doesn't pull away, just tilts his head to kiss Eames's hair.]

Do you feel like there's something wrong with that?

[falsify]

I feel like there's something wrong with me.

[Eames shakes his head; Arthur doesn't understand and he can't really expect him to. It's not like Eames fully understands it himself.]

Don't worry about it, it's... Really not a big deal.

[specifiercity]

Well you're obviously upset.

[Still no impatience; he just wants Eames to be happy. Eames not being happy is a big deal to him.]

[falsify]

[He shrugs a shoulder.]

It'll pass.

[specifiercity]

That doesn't make it less important.

[Okay a touch of impatience.]

If nothing else I just don't like having you avoid making eye contact for an hour after we finish.

[falsify]

I just can't even imagine what you must think.

[He lets out another one of those unamused laughs, jaw clenched and body tense like he's preparing himself to get out of bed.]

Sometimes your partner needs to get fucked like some kind of wild animal that needs to be put in its place. Who'd want that?

[specifiercity]

[Arthur sighs again and rubs Eames's back.]

I've never thought of it that way. I just thought you wanted something overwhelming enough that you didn't have to think for a while, and I don't think there's anything wrong with that, but with you acting the way you do...

[falsify]

Acting the way I do...?

[He pulls a bit of a face, trying to prompt Arthur to finish the statement.]

[specifiercity]

Like you regret it.

[That’s the part that really bothers him, and it’s clear in his tone.]

[falsify]

[Arthur still doesn't get it, Eames is pretty sure of that much. Still talking about it like it's some random thing that gets Eames off rather than something that rears its head every now and then as if to remind Eames what he is. So of course he regrets it every fucking time, but there's no way to say it without making Arthur feel like shit.]

[Eames sighs weakly.]

Can we not do this?

[specifiercity]

[It takes a significant amount of self-control not to push immediately, and Arthur presses his lips together with a frown as he tries to think of something else to say.]

When are we going to?