cool ways to handle feelings

[prethief]

[It's not necessarily that he's unaware of his feelings — Eames has spent enough time actively avoiding them that he has some awareness of the things he thinks and feels and would rather not deal with — it's just that if he was about to say something he had zero intention of ever saying out loud? There's ways he'd vastly prefer to have it fall out of his mouth than during sex without his express permission.]

[Of course, he didn't exactly deal with it well either. But when it just slips out between comments about how gorgeous and attractive Arthur is, and then they both kinda freeze up? It's a little hard to ignore that intense and sudden desire to not be there anymore. Especially when he'd pegged that uncertainty on Arthur's face and ended up babbling some apology and excuse about how he forgot something and hastily pulled his pants back on and left.]

[And then he just ends up pacing the hall outside Arthur's apartment, already embarrassed and frustrated with himself, but being shirtless and shoeless with an erection that stubbornly refuses to leave doesn't help. Eames pushes his hands through his hair with a frustrated groan, thinking over all the ways he's finally ruined this friendship with his dumb, stupid emotions and it was fine until he said anything and now it's going to be awkward at best but let's be honest it's ruined it's over he should just pack his stuff and go stay with his mother.]

Comments

[interpunct]

[Arthur sighs and glances around the room.]

I'm glad I'm not the only one, I guess.

[prethief]

We're already pretty fucking domestic though.

[interpunct]

Yeah, but...

[Arthur has a lot of questions going through his mind right now. The words "boyfriend" and "exclusive" pop up but he can't conceive of a way to say them without sounding crazy.]

I guess I never considered the possibility that you might feel that way for me.

[prethief]

What?

[Eames sounds like that's the most ridiculous thing he's ever heard, probably because it is. He can't think of a time since high school where Arthur hasn't been the most important person in the world to him.]

[interpunct]

I just... every time I started to picture us acting like other people do when they feel this way, I stopped myself because I thought you'd never want that.

[The word love is still understandably difficult to say.]

[prethief]

Do you want to be like other people?

[Eames tilts his head, considering the idea a little.]

I mean, it's always bugged me that I couldn't kiss you when we were out.

[interpunct]

[Arthur can feel his face going red because he'd had that thought so many times. Not even kissing, sometimes he'd see couples out holding hands and it made him want to reach out and take Eames' hand even though he kind of hates it when people are too affectionate in public.]

Yeah, I... that kind of bugs me too sometimes.

[prethief]

[Eames smiles sympathetically, lifting a hand to Arthur's chin because he's so cute sometimes that he just wants to cup Arthur's face in his hands and squish it.]

[He resists that urge though, just brushing his thumb over Arthur's chin with a soft sigh because this is serious.]

I guess we just have to try it out? Figure out what's comfortable for us.

[He pauses like that's it, and then with an awful grin he adds:] It's like when we started fucking.

[interpunct]

[Why, Eames. Arthur lets out an exhausted groan and lays his head back down on Eames' chest. He is kind of right, but Arthur doesn't need to be reminded of some of those embarrassing days.]

[He sighs and lets a beat of silence fall between them before he speaks again, sounding hesitant.]

So are we... together? Is that what you're saying?

[prethief]

I mean we pretty much are anyway, aren't we?

[He goes back to combing his fingers through Arthur's hair, so much more comfortable like this, more able to think clearly. Having Arthur on his chest, obviously anxious himself, it reminds him a bit of talking Arthur down when he's worked up about school or whatever. It makes it easy to put his feelings aside to look at things rationally.]

These days I'm practically your housewife whenever I'm here.

[interpunct]

I know but you still go out and...

[He doesn't want to say that stuff out loud but he assumes Eames still looks for sex elsewhere sometimes. Arthur's never begrudged him for it.]

I don't want to feel like I'm taking something away from you.

[prethief]

[Oh. Oh. Eames makes a bit of a face, because exclusivity is a whole other thing and it's part of the reason Eames pretty much stopped dating in high school, but this is different right? It's not Claire from English wanting an exclusive boyfriend and he's not a kid trying to figure himself out anymore.]

[He puffs out a heavy breath, but when he speaks there's a bit of a teasing lilt to his voice. Not to try and make it less serious, but more to try and make the conversation a little less heavy for Arthur.]

So you want to keep me to yourself?

[interpunct]

[Arthur has to pull away now, because this is territory that he feels like he really has to consider as he speaks, so he slowly sits up and looks down at his lap. It's hard to suss out what he actually wants from what's just considered normal and now he feels like he has to figure that out all at once. He's never really been jealous but he's also never really thought it was realistic to think of Eames as his, as this extra level of special for him.]

Only if that's something you want too. If you're not ready for that, I get it.

[He tries to look at Eames but feels like he can't control his own face well enough to convey that he's being genuine. He doesn't want to tie Eames down in any sense. That would be so opposite of what he thinks Eames needs or wants.]

[prethief]

I don't really know what I want.

[Eames looks down between them, that's a sentence that sounds totally alien in his voice, and he curls his fingers in the fabric of his pants a little anxiously.]

It's not like I ever expected us to be having this conversation, you know? I always figured you'd move on once you finished your postgrad and had more time; meet someone... Maybe not better but different at least. [There's a bit of a wry smirk, even as he's looking down at his hands.] Someone your family might actually like for starters.

[interpunct]

[Arthur feels his stomach lurch.]

Let's not talk about my family.

[That's a whole other thing that they definitely don't need to address right now. It's true they might not really understand this if they're ever even told and Arthur doesn't really need to start conceptualizing all the shit he's going to have to explain if it comes up.]

I guess we should both think on it. All of it. We should just be honest with each other and we'll figure this out.

[prethief]

... Yeah.

[He nods and casts a hesitant glance up at Arthur.]

This is good though, right?

[interpunct]

[Arthur turns to look at Eames, and despite all of the hard questions he's run through in his head and asked aloud, he remembers the genesis of this whole thing and can't help but smile. It's a bashful kind of smile, and so much joy bubbles through him at once that he actually let's out a soft laugh, looking back down as he nods.]

Yeah. It's good.

[prethief]

[Eames smiles, an easy, genuine smile, and reaches to cup Arthur's face in his hands so he can pull him forward and kiss his forehead.]

[interpunct]

[Arthur laughs again and then pulls away to kiss Eames properly, feeling a little giddy as he does. It feels so good to get these feelings out and to have them returned - he can't imagine anything dampening his mood right now.]

[prethief]

[Eames grins and drops his hands to Arthur's chest, feeling elated by all this. It's a little weird, and he expects he's not heard the last of his anxieties about this, but that can wait until later.]

[interpunct]

[Arthur kisses him for a little longer and then pulls back just a touch, so he can talk as he noses at Eames' face.]

We should go back to bed.

[prethief]

[He nods, and puts a hand on Arthur's hip to nudge him up off the couch. He doesn't know if Arthur means to give earlier a second go or just to lay down, but both sound good to Eames right now.]

[interpunct]

[Arthur feels energized but either would be good for him as well, thought he doesn't give much indication at all as he leads the way to the bedroom and pulls off his shirt to get into bed. He does get underneath the covers and is ready to latch onto Eames as soon as he's laying down as well.]

[prethief]

[That is more than okay with Eames, and he crawls under the covers, ready for Arthur as soon as he gets comfortable. He lets out a pleased sigh and noses into Arthur's hair, arms around him like always.]

[interpunct]

[It feels the same and different all at once, and Arthur grins as he lays his head down on Eames' shoulder. He's so warm and inviting, and it feels like a small miracle that Arthur gets to be the one to be here with him like this. Someday maybe he'll be able to vocalize that.]