ruffians | cool ways to handle feelings

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cool ways to handle feelings

[It's not necessarily that he's unaware of his feelings — Eames has spent enough time actively avoiding them that he has some awareness of the things he thinks and feels and would rather not deal with — it's just that if he was about to say something he had zero intention of ever saying out loud? There's ways he'd vastly prefer to have it fall out of his mouth than during sex without his express permission.]

[Of course, he didn't exactly deal with it well either. But when it just slips out between comments about how gorgeous and attractive Arthur is, and then they both kinda freeze up? It's a little hard to ignore that intense and sudden desire to not be there anymore. Especially when he'd pegged that uncertainty on Arthur's face and ended up babbling some apology and excuse about how he forgot something and hastily pulled his pants back on and left.]

[And then he just ends up pacing the hall outside Arthur's apartment, already embarrassed and frustrated with himself, but being shirtless and shoeless with an erection that stubbornly refuses to leave doesn't help. Eames pushes his hands through his hair with a frustrated groan, thinking over all the ways he's finally ruined this friendship with his dumb, stupid emotions and it was fine until he said anything and now it's going to be awkward at best but let's be honest it's ruined it's over he should just pack his stuff and go stay with his mother.]

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[It takes Arthur a couple minutes to go get Eames. First he has to deal with what he's just heard, and the fact that Eames didn't immediately laugh it off means it must be true, so that takes a little bit. Then he needs to find clothes and hope that his own boner just goes the hell away because he does not need to be wandering around the street dealing with that and his feelings.]

[His feelings are complicated. He's known for a long time that he and Eames are far more than just friends with benefits, and the L word has crossed his mind before, but since he always just assumed Eames didn't feel that way he just decided to try and ignore it and move on, get as much out of their arrangement as he can before Eames inevitably got bored and left him. He couldn't possibly be less prepared to hear it, and in that context. It's all just too much.]

[Still, they probably should talk this out and Eames should probably put on more clothes, so it's not too long before Arthur's opening the door and looking up and down the hall desperately hoping he doesn't have to go too far to retrieve him.]

Eames!

[Oh fuck, he's been caught.]

[Eames freezes at the sound of Arthur's voice, like it's somehow a surprise that Arthur would come after him, but he's a little busy thinking exit strategies for that. He needs to think of a way to end this whole... thing, and maybe smooth things over enough that they can continue on like normal.]

I'll, uh. I'll be back in in a minute.

Eames, you're barely dressed.

[He's not going to mention the tent in Eames' pants unless he has to, but he does glance at that. He really just wants Eames to get back inside so they can sort this out as soon as possible, because the longer they let it go the more it's probably going to drive a wedge between them.]

It's fine, I'm not going anywhere.

[And hopefully neither are Arthur's neighbours.]

So come inside now then.

[Eames opens his mouth to protest, but he knows it'll just end up with them arguing about him refusing to come inside and he doesn't need that embarrassment on top of what he's already feeling so he sighs and acquiesces. Pushing the door a little further open to pass Arthur and go inside, looking a little like he's dreading what's coming.]

[Best to get out in front of it though, so he immediately starts talking once he's on the other side of the door.]

Look, it's-- It's fine, you don't have to feel the same or say it back or anything. I know that's not what we're doing here, you're not... [He trails off a little with a sigh and gestures kind of helplessly.] It's fine.

No, don't do that.

[Arthur almost sounds impatient with Eames, but they've been friends a long time and he knows the sound of Eames pulling away when he hears it. He's not goign to let that happen over something this big.]

[He just... needs a moment to collect himself, which is why he puts his hands on his hips and breathes in slowly, then out slowly. He's still flushed and he managed to get a shirt on but it's fairly obvious what they've just been doing.]

[Eames bites his lip and sits on the couch, he starts to cross his legs but that boner hasn't fully deflated yet and so he thinks better of it mid-motion and pulls a knee to his chest instead, and looks at the floor to avoid looking at Arthur.]

I'm just saying, I'm not... Expecting anything.

I--

[He really thinks he's gonna get it out on that one, which is why he shakes his head in disappointment when his own body seems to cut him off. It's so much harder to say when it's a big deal, but it's because it's a big deal that he has to say it.]

[He takes another deep breath and glances over at Eames, but then he looks at the wall. If he had actually thought about this ever happening it would never have been like this.]

I love you too.

Wh--

[It should be something that makes him happy to hear, but mostly Eames is stuck in shocked disbelief. He can't even think of anything to say, he's just thrown into stunned silence because that's not... It's not right. Arthur can't do that, it's not how it's supposed to be. He's supposed to be with someone smart who loves the stuff he does and all of that.]

[Eames is just something comfortable in the meantime.]

[Arthur puts both hands on his face and breathes out hard through his nose. Eames doesn't have to be difficult about this.]

I just never thought it would be a mutual thing so I never thought I would have to say it.

No, that's not...

[He shakes his head, still staring at the floor, and he takes a deep breath. The next thing he says comes out slow and measured, it's a struggle to say but if you're gonna argue with someone's feelings you need to use your words.]

I'm not someone you should be in love with, it's... There's better people.

Oh my god.

[Is this really happening right now. Is Eames telling him he's not supposed to be in love with him right after Arthur finally admits that he is in love with him. That is not fucking allowed.]

I can't do both of these things, Eames. You can't do this whole undeserving thing on top of what just happened.

[That immediately gets his hackles up, and it's obvious in the face he makes at Arthur that he's biting down hard on what he wants to say; something sarcastic and borderline confrontational almost certainly. Eames works his jaw for a moment, forcing himself to try and be less defensive about this.]

That's not what I'm saying, I just. I don't want you to settle for something easy when there's better people out there for you.

[The first thought he has is that no part of this is easy, and he almost shares this opinion with Eames, but he stops himself. He can be more of an adult about this.]

I'm not settling. I have feelings for you because you're my best friend and I like being with you and it's not even like I get to choose this kind of stuff but even if I did you're not nearly as terrible as you make yourself out to be. You're really special, actually.

[He puts his hands back on his hips and gives Eames a mixed look of concern and exhaustion.]

Besides, when have you ever known me to settle for anything?

You know, your dad called me "special" once.

[He says it with a slight uptick to his voice and a hesitant smirk as he looks up at Arthur, less for the actual joke and more to indicate he's relaxing a little. He still feels the same, but he can be less panicked and defensive about this. And part of him is aware this is really just the same argument they had about him joining the marines, and he ended up being wrong that time.]

[He pats the couch next to him in a silent request, because it really feels like he's waiting to be told off with Arthur standing in front of him like this.]

[Arthur's shoulders drop a little when he realizes the fight seems to be over, and he goes over to the couch to sit down next to Eames. He doesn't really know what the next step from here is, but he'll worry about that in a few seconds after it seems like they've gotten over this first hurdle.]

[Eames turns and puts his back to the arm of the couch so he's facing Arthur, expression tired and still a little guarded.]

You know I'm fucking terrible at this stuff.

[Arthur puts his hand on Eames' knee and smiles tiredly.]

Yeah, I know. It's okay.

[He laughs at that, putting his hand over Arthur's.]

You're supposed to say 'me too' so I feel better.

[Arthur lets out a soft laugh as well shimmying over so he can lay his head down on Eames' chest.]

Me too. Not as bad as you, though.

[He snorts and puts his arms around Arthur, sparing a thought for how it doesn't actually feel any different. Neither better or worse, just the same easy affection they've always had, and it honestly is such a fucking relief he feels like he could melt.]

I'm good at other stuff.

[He sinks down a little, pulling Arthur with him to stay on his chest, and gives a thoughtful hum.]

I'm pretty good when you're the one freaking out.

[Arthur grins as his eyes fall closed, putting his hand on Eames' chest affectionately.]

You are pretty good at that.

And I keep you fed so you don't die of starvation while you're working on some paper or another.

You keep me sane.

[Arthur idly traces circles on Eames' chest with his fingers, and it might seem like he's ready to fall asleep there. His boner has gone by now which is good because it would have been weird to pick up where they left off anyway, and it means he can attach himself fully to Eames' side without being embarrassed.]

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