and you know me

[falsify]

[Eames doesn't know how to feel about things. He never does after this. It's... Easier than it used to be. He doesn't know why. Maybe it's just a matter of trust, but there's other issues, ones that get louder every time. Because he can't ignore that this is part of him anymore, and neither can Arthur.]

[He doesn't want to focus too much on what Arthur must think, but he can't shake it. He lays on the bed, ignoring various aches and pains, trying not to look at Arthur.]

Comments

[falsify]

[Eames sighs and curls in a little more on himself.]

I never actually wanted you to see this part of me.

[He huffs a laugh and shakes his head, staring at his hand as his thumb brushes back and forth on the pillow.]

I fucking hate it.

[specifiercity]

We see every part of each other on this ship.

[He looks down at Eames, sober and tired.]

I think it's pretty clear we don't get to pick and choose.

[falsify]

It used to be so easy. Just wait until we land somewhere and...

[He trails off with a vague gesture and sighs tiredly. Quiet for another long moment before he speaks.]

I thought it'd be easier with you.

[specifiercity]

[He sympathizes. He really does. He wants to understand this and help Eames through it, but he has his own boundaries to consider too. He sighs and lets the silence sit for a moment.]

Easier?

[falsify]

[He looks up at Arthur at that, frowning a little as he struggles to put it all into words.]

You know I never wanted to be this with you, but after the first time I thought... I can trust you. I don't need to half-ass it just to avoid having some stranger see what I am.

[He sighs, tone getting more casual and easy as he goes. Each word makes it a little easier to distance himself from exactly what he's saying. As if it's not himself he's talking about.]

Of course, then there's the next day and you wake up remembering you got all wound up and asked someone you love to hold you down and fuck you so hard it still hurts...

[specifiercity]

[Arthur takes a deep breath and picks at the sheets.]

That doesn't have to be wrapped up in shame. I'm obviously okay with doing it, it's everything after.

[falsify]

Well I don't think the way I feel about it is going to change.

[He pulls the covers tight around himself, wrapping his arms around himself with a soft sigh. His tone becomes a little abrupt, but it's not that he's annoyed or anything like it, he just wants to stop talking about this altogether.]

It's fine, you don't have to... ["Keep doing this." Eames frowns.] I'll figure something out.

[specifiercity]

[He twists and looks down at Eames with a frown.]

You can work through your feelings on this. It doesn't have to be right now, but you can, and until you do it's not fair to ask me for it knowing we're going to go through all of this over again afterwards.

[He's not trying to make it sound like an ultimatum. He sounds as patient as he can be given the circumstances.]

[falsify]

Yeah. I understand.

[He just wants to stop talking about this, half tempted to just get up and go to a different bunk. Really what Eames wants is to go back to a time before he fucked up and showed this to Arthur, but he can't do that so he'll do the next best thing: Go on like none of it ever happened and never bring it up again.]

[specifiercity]

[Arthur sighs one more time and decides to concede to Eames' desire not to do this anymore. Instead of pressing it he lays back down and slides up to Eames' side, laying an arm across him and closing his eyes for some sleep.]

[falsify]

[Despite himself Eames immediately pulls himself closer with a weak noise in the back of his throat, desperate to be held.]

[specifiercity]

[Arthur hums and pulls him in, happy to just hold him for the forseeable future.]

[falsify]

[This is what he needed. Eames tucks his head against Arthur with a shaky breath and closes his eyes to try and sleep.]

[specifiercity]

[And so it doesn't come up again. Arthur doesn't think much on it after a couple weeks, but then Eames starts staying out later and coming back looking roughed up, bruises and busted lips, a torn sleeve the second time. It's the third time that Arthur feels the need to speak up, getting up from what he's doing when Eames walks by him and following him wherever he's going.]

Hey, what the hell's going on?

[It's only a little accusatory, mostly concerned.]

[falsify]

[Eames is drunk. He has been every day this week. It makes everything slower to heal, but Eames thinks that might be a good thing. Having it last that bit longer makes it that bit more real, more satisfying.]

[He's certainly feeling pretty satisfied right now, a smile on his face on his way to the kitchen. Maybe it should register that this isn't good or normal, but it doesn't at all. Mostly it feels good, if a little hollow, but that's what the alcohol's for.]

What are you talking about?

[specifiercity]

This is the third time you've gone out and gotten yourself beaten up.

[He lifts his hand to Eames' jaw, gently trying to get him to turn his face.]

[falsify]

[Eames turns his head as directed with an expression not unlike a rebellious child waiting to get told off for something stupid.]

It's nothing.

[specifiercity]

[Arthur's not here to tell him off. His frown deepens as he scans Eames' face to gauge the damage.]

I'm worried about you.

[falsify]

[His vision swims a little as he tries to focus on Arthur, but Eames ignores it, thinking about how it's sweet of Arthur to worry instead. What a good partner. Maybe he should get him a gift.]

Don't be. I'm not.

[That grin would probably be more reassuring without the blood on his teeth.]

[specifiercity]

Eames, you're drunk.

[And that's a bit of a feat.]

[falsify]

I am!

[He's really happy about it, and he reaches out to put his hands on Arthur's shoulders.]

And you are gorgeous.

[specifiercity]

[God, this is... well it's hard to see in some respects. Without the context of their talk weeks ago Arthur would just roll his eyes and let Eames get on with whatever shenanigans his drunken mind is planning to get up to. But Arthur remembers enough of that conversation to link this back.]

Is this what you used to do before?

[falsify]

[It takes a long moment for Eames to figure out what that question means, a deep frown of concentration on his face. When he gets it, he shrugs a shoulder. Right now he doesn't see the big deal, but Arthur looks really serious.]

Yeah, sometimes.

[specifiercity]

[Arthur shakes his head, a solemn look on his face.]

I just wanted you to talk to me.

[He's speaking almost more to himself than to Eames, all too aware that Eames might be useless having an actual conversation right now. He's not expecting a real answer but he's not going to walk away until Eames releases his shoulders.]

[falsify]

[He's much too drunk (and potentially concussed) to get what Arthur's saying, giving him a confused frown because they are talking? He drops his hands to Arthur's chest, still with that concerned and confused look on his face.]

You look upset.