cool ways to handle feelings

[prethief]

[It's not necessarily that he's unaware of his feelings — Eames has spent enough time actively avoiding them that he has some awareness of the things he thinks and feels and would rather not deal with — it's just that if he was about to say something he had zero intention of ever saying out loud? There's ways he'd vastly prefer to have it fall out of his mouth than during sex without his express permission.]

[Of course, he didn't exactly deal with it well either. But when it just slips out between comments about how gorgeous and attractive Arthur is, and then they both kinda freeze up? It's a little hard to ignore that intense and sudden desire to not be there anymore. Especially when he'd pegged that uncertainty on Arthur's face and ended up babbling some apology and excuse about how he forgot something and hastily pulled his pants back on and left.]

[And then he just ends up pacing the hall outside Arthur's apartment, already embarrassed and frustrated with himself, but being shirtless and shoeless with an erection that stubbornly refuses to leave doesn't help. Eames pushes his hands through his hair with a frustrated groan, thinking over all the ways he's finally ruined this friendship with his dumb, stupid emotions and it was fine until he said anything and now it's going to be awkward at best but let's be honest it's ruined it's over he should just pack his stuff and go stay with his mother.]

Comments

[interpunct]

No, don't do that.

[Arthur almost sounds impatient with Eames, but they've been friends a long time and he knows the sound of Eames pulling away when he hears it. He's not goign to let that happen over something this big.]

[He just... needs a moment to collect himself, which is why he puts his hands on his hips and breathes in slowly, then out slowly. He's still flushed and he managed to get a shirt on but it's fairly obvious what they've just been doing.]

[prethief]

[Eames bites his lip and sits on the couch, he starts to cross his legs but that boner hasn't fully deflated yet and so he thinks better of it mid-motion and pulls a knee to his chest instead, and looks at the floor to avoid looking at Arthur.]

I'm just saying, I'm not... Expecting anything.

[interpunct]

I--

[He really thinks he's gonna get it out on that one, which is why he shakes his head in disappointment when his own body seems to cut him off. It's so much harder to say when it's a big deal, but it's because it's a big deal that he has to say it.]

[He takes another deep breath and glances over at Eames, but then he looks at the wall. If he had actually thought about this ever happening it would never have been like this.]

I love you too.

[prethief]

Wh--

[It should be something that makes him happy to hear, but mostly Eames is stuck in shocked disbelief. He can't even think of anything to say, he's just thrown into stunned silence because that's not... It's not right. Arthur can't do that, it's not how it's supposed to be. He's supposed to be with someone smart who loves the stuff he does and all of that.]

[Eames is just something comfortable in the meantime.]

[interpunct]

[Arthur puts both hands on his face and breathes out hard through his nose. Eames doesn't have to be difficult about this.]

I just never thought it would be a mutual thing so I never thought I would have to say it.

[prethief]

No, that's not...

[He shakes his head, still staring at the floor, and he takes a deep breath. The next thing he says comes out slow and measured, it's a struggle to say but if you're gonna argue with someone's feelings you need to use your words.]

I'm not someone you should be in love with, it's... There's better people.

[interpunct]

Oh my god.

[Is this really happening right now. Is Eames telling him he's not supposed to be in love with him right after Arthur finally admits that he is in love with him. That is not fucking allowed.]

I can't do both of these things, Eames. You can't do this whole undeserving thing on top of what just happened.

[prethief]

[That immediately gets his hackles up, and it's obvious in the face he makes at Arthur that he's biting down hard on what he wants to say; something sarcastic and borderline confrontational almost certainly. Eames works his jaw for a moment, forcing himself to try and be less defensive about this.]

That's not what I'm saying, I just. I don't want you to settle for something easy when there's better people out there for you.

[interpunct]

[The first thought he has is that no part of this is easy, and he almost shares this opinion with Eames, but he stops himself. He can be more of an adult about this.]

I'm not settling. I have feelings for you because you're my best friend and I like being with you and it's not even like I get to choose this kind of stuff but even if I did you're not nearly as terrible as you make yourself out to be. You're really special, actually.

[He puts his hands back on his hips and gives Eames a mixed look of concern and exhaustion.]

Besides, when have you ever known me to settle for anything?

[prethief]

You know, your dad called me "special" once.

[He says it with a slight uptick to his voice and a hesitant smirk as he looks up at Arthur, less for the actual joke and more to indicate he's relaxing a little. He still feels the same, but he can be less panicked and defensive about this. And part of him is aware this is really just the same argument they had about him joining the marines, and he ended up being wrong that time.]

[He pats the couch next to him in a silent request, because it really feels like he's waiting to be told off with Arthur standing in front of him like this.]

[interpunct]

[Arthur's shoulders drop a little when he realizes the fight seems to be over, and he goes over to the couch to sit down next to Eames. He doesn't really know what the next step from here is, but he'll worry about that in a few seconds after it seems like they've gotten over this first hurdle.]

[prethief]

[Eames turns and puts his back to the arm of the couch so he's facing Arthur, expression tired and still a little guarded.]

You know I'm fucking terrible at this stuff.

[interpunct]

[Arthur puts his hand on Eames' knee and smiles tiredly.]

Yeah, I know. It's okay.

[prethief]

[He laughs at that, putting his hand over Arthur's.]

You're supposed to say 'me too' so I feel better.

[interpunct]

[Arthur lets out a soft laugh as well shimmying over so he can lay his head down on Eames' chest.]

Me too. Not as bad as you, though.

[prethief]

[He snorts and puts his arms around Arthur, sparing a thought for how it doesn't actually feel any different. Neither better or worse, just the same easy affection they've always had, and it honestly is such a fucking relief he feels like he could melt.]

I'm good at other stuff.

[He sinks down a little, pulling Arthur with him to stay on his chest, and gives a thoughtful hum.]

I'm pretty good when you're the one freaking out.

[interpunct]

[Arthur grins as his eyes fall closed, putting his hand on Eames' chest affectionately.]

You are pretty good at that.

[prethief]

And I keep you fed so you don't die of starvation while you're working on some paper or another.

[interpunct]

You keep me sane.

[Arthur idly traces circles on Eames' chest with his fingers, and it might seem like he's ready to fall asleep there. His boner has gone by now which is good because it would have been weird to pick up where they left off anyway, and it means he can attach himself fully to Eames' side without being embarrassed.]

[prethief]

[Eames laughs softly, a little bashful, and brushes his fingers through Arthur's hair with a soft hum. He was planning to go on listing all his positive qualities, but then Arthur was sweet and he can't keep going after that.]

You going to sleep?

[interpunct]

No.

[He has far too much on his mind for that. He lifts his head to look at Eames, an unsure frown on his face.]

I don't really know what to do from here.

[prethief]

Me either.

[He sighs and frowns back.]

I'm still freaking out a little, to be completely honest.

[interpunct]

[Arthur sighs and glances around the room.]

I'm glad I'm not the only one, I guess.

[prethief]

We're already pretty fucking domestic though.

[interpunct]

Yeah, but...

[Arthur has a lot of questions going through his mind right now. The words "boyfriend" and "exclusive" pop up but he can't conceive of a way to say them without sounding crazy.]

I guess I never considered the possibility that you might feel that way for me.