and you know me

[falsify]

[Eames doesn't know how to feel about things. He never does after this. It's... Easier than it used to be. He doesn't know why. Maybe it's just a matter of trust, but there's other issues, ones that get louder every time. Because he can't ignore that this is part of him anymore, and neither can Arthur.]

[He doesn't want to focus too much on what Arthur must think, but he can't shake it. He lays on the bed, ignoring various aches and pains, trying not to look at Arthur.]

Comments

[falsify]

[Arthur still doesn't get it, Eames is pretty sure of that much. Still talking about it like it's some random thing that gets Eames off rather than something that rears its head every now and then as if to remind Eames what he is. So of course he regrets it every fucking time, but there's no way to say it without making Arthur feel like shit.]

[Eames sighs weakly.]

Can we not do this?

[specifiercity]

[It takes a significant amount of self-control not to push immediately, and Arthur presses his lips together with a frown as he tries to think of something else to say.]

When are we going to?

[falsify]

Do we have to?

[Oh-- that's a stupid thing to say. He can tell as soon as the words leave his mouth and braces himself to see how bad he fucked up.]

[specifiercity]

[He lets out a heavy sigh and rolls away, rubbing his face and looking anywhere in the room but Eames right now.]

Eames, I have to know you're not using me to carry out some kind of fucked up self-flagellation.

[He sits up like that'll help him think clearer, leaning forward over drawn in knees.]

It's one thing to ask me to be rough, but you can't just... if this is punishment then I don't want to be a part of it, and it's not fair that you made me part of it to begin with.

[falsify]

It's not--

[Except he can't categorically say that, can he? Eames doesn't think it is, but he still hasn't exactly figured it out. A few minutes isn't time enough for that.]

I don't know what this is. I just know that sometimes this need flares up and I can't relax until it's been met.

[specifiercity]

[He shakes his head.]

It’s not the act itself, it’s the fact that you won’t look at me afterwards. I’m not going to keep doing it if it seems like it’s making you ashamed somehow.

[falsify]

[He snorts and shakes his head.]

Wouldn't you be?

[specifiercity]

[He throws his hands up.]

I don’t know! Maybe...

[He finally turns to look down at Eames.]

Wouldn’t you be worried if I went quiet afterwards every time?

[falsify]

[Eames is curled up on his side, hand on the pillow just in front of him.]

It just... It takes a little while. Coming back to myself.

[That's not all of it, but it's the best way Eames can think of to describe it.]

[specifiercity]

[Arthur's not sure he even wants to start trying to break that down.]

That's not an answer.

[falsify]

Yes. [ugh.] I'd be worried.

[specifiercity]

So maybe work with me here.

[He picks at the sheet, frowning.]

It's fine if you need more time to figure it out, but if we don't talk about it then next time I'm... I'm just gonna call it off.

[falsify]

[Eames sighs and curls in a little more on himself.]

I never actually wanted you to see this part of me.

[He huffs a laugh and shakes his head, staring at his hand as his thumb brushes back and forth on the pillow.]

I fucking hate it.

[specifiercity]

We see every part of each other on this ship.

[He looks down at Eames, sober and tired.]

I think it's pretty clear we don't get to pick and choose.

[falsify]

It used to be so easy. Just wait until we land somewhere and...

[He trails off with a vague gesture and sighs tiredly. Quiet for another long moment before he speaks.]

I thought it'd be easier with you.

[specifiercity]

[He sympathizes. He really does. He wants to understand this and help Eames through it, but he has his own boundaries to consider too. He sighs and lets the silence sit for a moment.]

Easier?

[falsify]

[He looks up at Arthur at that, frowning a little as he struggles to put it all into words.]

You know I never wanted to be this with you, but after the first time I thought... I can trust you. I don't need to half-ass it just to avoid having some stranger see what I am.

[He sighs, tone getting more casual and easy as he goes. Each word makes it a little easier to distance himself from exactly what he's saying. As if it's not himself he's talking about.]

Of course, then there's the next day and you wake up remembering you got all wound up and asked someone you love to hold you down and fuck you so hard it still hurts...

[specifiercity]

[Arthur takes a deep breath and picks at the sheets.]

That doesn't have to be wrapped up in shame. I'm obviously okay with doing it, it's everything after.

[falsify]

Well I don't think the way I feel about it is going to change.

[He pulls the covers tight around himself, wrapping his arms around himself with a soft sigh. His tone becomes a little abrupt, but it's not that he's annoyed or anything like it, he just wants to stop talking about this altogether.]

It's fine, you don't have to... ["Keep doing this." Eames frowns.] I'll figure something out.

[specifiercity]

[He twists and looks down at Eames with a frown.]

You can work through your feelings on this. It doesn't have to be right now, but you can, and until you do it's not fair to ask me for it knowing we're going to go through all of this over again afterwards.

[He's not trying to make it sound like an ultimatum. He sounds as patient as he can be given the circumstances.]

[falsify]

Yeah. I understand.

[He just wants to stop talking about this, half tempted to just get up and go to a different bunk. Really what Eames wants is to go back to a time before he fucked up and showed this to Arthur, but he can't do that so he'll do the next best thing: Go on like none of it ever happened and never bring it up again.]

[specifiercity]

[Arthur sighs one more time and decides to concede to Eames' desire not to do this anymore. Instead of pressing it he lays back down and slides up to Eames' side, laying an arm across him and closing his eyes for some sleep.]

[falsify]

[Despite himself Eames immediately pulls himself closer with a weak noise in the back of his throat, desperate to be held.]

[specifiercity]

[Arthur hums and pulls him in, happy to just hold him for the forseeable future.]

[falsify]

[This is what he needed. Eames tucks his head against Arthur with a shaky breath and closes his eyes to try and sleep.]