ruffians | #vampireproblems

[Arthur sighs and tilts his head back, looking up at the ceiling. This is hard to talk about, even though he's gone over all of it in his head endlessly. After a while he swallows and starts to talk again.]

Somewhere between you passing out and you waking up in the hospital I just jumped from 'he might never want to look at me again' to 'he definitely won't want to see me again.' I just got so wrapped up in this idea that this thing I had done was unforgivable - because it is - that I couldn't imagine it going any other way.

[He takes a moment and puts a hand to his face, rubbing the bridge of his nose because he's exhausted, and he's having trouble focusing.]

And if you did want to stay with me I started thinking that it must be some sort of stockholm syndrome bullshit and that I should leave anyway so you could finally have some kind of normal life.

Let's go to bed, talk about it there instead of standing about.

[Which is preferable to hovering in Arthur's doorway, it's true, but it's also a stalling tactic. Because he needs to think about what he's going to say to that instead of the indignant first thoughts about how Arthur can't decide for him that come to mind.]

[Arthur actually relaxes a little at Eames' lack of response to what he just said, because he's worried that he's stuck his foot in his mouth. He pushes off the dresser and follows Eames back to his room, sitting hesitantly on the edge of Eames' bed as he waits for him to say something.]

[Eames sits on the bed and leans back against the headboard, heaving a heavy sigh and closing his eyes while he tries to arrange the words in his head before he says them out loud.]

You should've talked to me.

[It's the thing that keeps getting at him, that Arthur would just decide on Eames' behalf what's best and not give him a say in the matter before he left. He's allowed to leave, if he really thought he had to he could, but doing it the way he did is the thing Eames really gets stuck on whenever he thinks about it.]

[Eames sighs and runs a hand through his hair.]

You nearly killed me, and then you left without giving me a chance to deal with that. I don't even know how I feel about it because I'm so fucking focused on you deciding to leave before I even got to appreciate that you're still alive.

[God, Arthur forgot what started this to begin with. It seems so dumb now, that he let himself get into that state, and then that he let Eames offer him his blood. All that matters is what happened next, though clearly that's not the case for Eames.]

I know, it was a mistake. I spent way too much time inside my own head while you were asleep, imagining every way it could possibly go once you woke up, and it never ended well. I don't just mean us fighting, I mean... everything, really bad.

[He gives Eames a pleading look, hoping he'll understand.]

And... I was scared. I thought I wouldn't be able to trust myself around you anymore or that I wouldn't be able to look at you without feeling ashamed. The guilt was paralyzing and I didn't think I'd be able to stand up to it.

[He looks down at his hands, clasped together too tightly in his lap.]

I was a coward.

Yeah, you were.

[He exhales heavily through his nose, frowning a little.]

But it's not just that, it's-- How am I supposed to trust you now? I've got no guarantee that you won't just leave again because you've made some decision about us on your own because you don't trust me to think clearly.

It's not that I didn't trust you to think clearly. It's that I was so not okay with what I did that I couldn't imagine a way that you would be.

[He turns to look at him, searching Eames' face to see if he understands.]

It was a mistake, not to talk to you about it before I left. I hope I'm never in that situation again but if I am... you know I don't make the same mistake twice.

[He did literally use the words 'Stockholm Syndrome,' but Eames elects not to bring it up. Eames nods slowly instead, listening carefully to Arthur.]

That's all I'm asking for.

[Arthur nods, more sure now.]

Okay.

[He's quiet a moment, thinking. This is progress, it's good, they're getting somewhere. Eames is still hurt, but he feels a little more confident he can work through it with Arthur being less passive-aggressive about this all.]

[He pats the bed next to himself.] Come here.

[Arthur hesitates, but ultimately decides to get up and sit back down again with his back to the headboard. Getting close to Eames still scares him, but on the other hand Eames is so warm that Arthur can barely resist. It's always been that way; whenever there's an invitation to get closer to Eames, Arthur takes it.]

[Eames reaches out and takes one of Arthur's hands, brushing his thumb over Arthur's knuckles while he thinks. Because they have shit to work through, but he doesn't want Arthur scared to be near him or walking on eggshells.]

I know that nine times out of ten I can trust you, and that's a lot more than anyone else.

[He sighs and turns his head to look at Arthur, watching his face to check he's following.]

It's just going to take some time before I feel it again. But I will.

[Arthur looks at Eames as he talks, his eyebrows coming together in a worried frown and his hand tightening in Eames' grip.]

Even when the tenth time could be like that? Seems like kind of a big gamble, even for you.

[He lets out a soft chuckle at that and lifts Arthur's hand to his face so he can press a kiss to his knuckles.]

Simple risk/reward, Arthur. [He raises an eyebrow with a smirk.] It's worth it.

[Arthur actually laughs bashfully at that, leaning in to get into kissing range but also so their shoulders are touching.]

If you say so.

[He's highly aware that at some point in the future Eames may decide it's not worth it, but for now he's just grateful that it is for right now.]

[Eames turns a little so he can lean in to kiss Arthur's temple, lifting his free hand to cup the other side of his face and murmuring softly as he does.]

You're a pain in the ass, but you've always been worth it.

[Arthur lowers his tone to match.]

That's the most romantic thing anyone's ever said to me.

[He laughs again and keeps kissing down the side of Arthur's face.]

I'm just telling the truth.

[Arthur smiles and turns his head to catch Eames in a kiss, feeling an overwhelming amount of affection for him right now. He's so warm and handsome and amazing, Arthur can't even remember how he thought he'd go the rest of his life without this again.]

[Eames turns a little more toward Arthur, dropping a hand to his waist and pressing himself against Arthur with a soft hum.]

[Arthur hums happily in return, putting his hand on Eames' chest. He's still hesitant to go too far with Eames but this is nice for now.]

[Eames doesn't have the same concerns in mind, mostly focusing on a need to be as physically close to Arthur as he can get right now. He shifts and moves to straddle one of Arthur's legs, moving his arm around Arthur's waist to pull him closer. There's no real heat to it, mostly a desperation in how badly he feels like he needs Arthur.]

[Arthur lets out a soft hum in response, obliging Eames and getting as close as he can. He buries one hand in Eames' hair and puts the other on his waist, resisting the urge to inch it closer to his ass for now. He has such a well-built boyfriend it's difficult not to just appreciate him all over.]

[Eames shifts his hips closer and makes an impatient noise against Arthur's lips. He raises one of his own hands to press against the back of Arthur's head and presses their foreheads together, voice hushed and breathy when he speaks.]

God, I want you so fucking badly.

[Arthur can feel Eames heating up even though it's just by a fraction, and he knows that Eames is going to say something to that effect before he even opens his mouth.]

Are you sure?

[Arthur wants it too. It's impossible not to want it with Eames, he's just not sure if it's a good idea.]

We should... we should think about this.

[Dear god is that the dumbest thing he's ever said or the absolute dumbest thing he's ever said?]

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