and you know me

[falsify]

[Eames doesn't know how to feel about things. He never does after this. It's... Easier than it used to be. He doesn't know why. Maybe it's just a matter of trust, but there's other issues, ones that get louder every time. Because he can't ignore that this is part of him anymore, and neither can Arthur.]

[He doesn't want to focus too much on what Arthur must think, but he can't shake it. He lays on the bed, ignoring various aches and pains, trying not to look at Arthur.]

Comments

[falsify]

It's more like I need it. Like there's something in me that needs to be subdued.

[He breathes out a tired, unamused laugh.]

Sometimes I couldn't wait to get off this ship. The second I could make an excuse to get away, I'd find the shittiest bar and fuck or fight anyone until I felt calm again.

[specifiercity]

[Arthur takes a deep breath, trying to process this as best he can before he responds.]

I'm not going to pretend that what we do isn't a little bit beyond getting wound up and wanting rougher sex once in a while, but...

[He doesn't pull away, just tilts his head to kiss Eames's hair.]

Do you feel like there's something wrong with that?

[falsify]

I feel like there's something wrong with me.

[Eames shakes his head; Arthur doesn't understand and he can't really expect him to. It's not like Eames fully understands it himself.]

Don't worry about it, it's... Really not a big deal.

[specifiercity]

Well you're obviously upset.

[Still no impatience; he just wants Eames to be happy. Eames not being happy is a big deal to him.]

[falsify]

[He shrugs a shoulder.]

It'll pass.

[specifiercity]

That doesn't make it less important.

[Okay a touch of impatience.]

If nothing else I just don't like having you avoid making eye contact for an hour after we finish.

[falsify]

I just can't even imagine what you must think.

[He lets out another one of those unamused laughs, jaw clenched and body tense like he's preparing himself to get out of bed.]

Sometimes your partner needs to get fucked like some kind of wild animal that needs to be put in its place. Who'd want that?

[specifiercity]

[Arthur sighs again and rubs Eames's back.]

I've never thought of it that way. I just thought you wanted something overwhelming enough that you didn't have to think for a while, and I don't think there's anything wrong with that, but with you acting the way you do...

[falsify]

Acting the way I do...?

[He pulls a bit of a face, trying to prompt Arthur to finish the statement.]

[specifiercity]

Like you regret it.

[That’s the part that really bothers him, and it’s clear in his tone.]

[falsify]

[Arthur still doesn't get it, Eames is pretty sure of that much. Still talking about it like it's some random thing that gets Eames off rather than something that rears its head every now and then as if to remind Eames what he is. So of course he regrets it every fucking time, but there's no way to say it without making Arthur feel like shit.]

[Eames sighs weakly.]

Can we not do this?

[specifiercity]

[It takes a significant amount of self-control not to push immediately, and Arthur presses his lips together with a frown as he tries to think of something else to say.]

When are we going to?

[falsify]

Do we have to?

[Oh-- that's a stupid thing to say. He can tell as soon as the words leave his mouth and braces himself to see how bad he fucked up.]

[specifiercity]

[He lets out a heavy sigh and rolls away, rubbing his face and looking anywhere in the room but Eames right now.]

Eames, I have to know you're not using me to carry out some kind of fucked up self-flagellation.

[He sits up like that'll help him think clearer, leaning forward over drawn in knees.]

It's one thing to ask me to be rough, but you can't just... if this is punishment then I don't want to be a part of it, and it's not fair that you made me part of it to begin with.

[falsify]

It's not--

[Except he can't categorically say that, can he? Eames doesn't think it is, but he still hasn't exactly figured it out. A few minutes isn't time enough for that.]

I don't know what this is. I just know that sometimes this need flares up and I can't relax until it's been met.

[specifiercity]

[He shakes his head.]

It’s not the act itself, it’s the fact that you won’t look at me afterwards. I’m not going to keep doing it if it seems like it’s making you ashamed somehow.

[falsify]

[He snorts and shakes his head.]

Wouldn't you be?

[specifiercity]

[He throws his hands up.]

I don’t know! Maybe...

[He finally turns to look down at Eames.]

Wouldn’t you be worried if I went quiet afterwards every time?

[falsify]

[Eames is curled up on his side, hand on the pillow just in front of him.]

It just... It takes a little while. Coming back to myself.

[That's not all of it, but it's the best way Eames can think of to describe it.]

[specifiercity]

[Arthur's not sure he even wants to start trying to break that down.]

That's not an answer.

[falsify]

Yes. [ugh.] I'd be worried.

[specifiercity]

So maybe work with me here.

[He picks at the sheet, frowning.]

It's fine if you need more time to figure it out, but if we don't talk about it then next time I'm... I'm just gonna call it off.

[falsify]

[Eames sighs and curls in a little more on himself.]

I never actually wanted you to see this part of me.

[He huffs a laugh and shakes his head, staring at his hand as his thumb brushes back and forth on the pillow.]

I fucking hate it.

[specifiercity]

We see every part of each other on this ship.

[He looks down at Eames, sober and tired.]

I think it's pretty clear we don't get to pick and choose.

[falsify]

It used to be so easy. Just wait until we land somewhere and...

[He trails off with a vague gesture and sighs tiredly. Quiet for another long moment before he speaks.]

I thought it'd be easier with you.