ruffians | #vampireproblems

[Arthur's gone by the time Eames wakes up again, probably getting drunk with Mal as she listens to him talk about how badly he fucked up. He plans to stay there for a couple weeks if Eames doesn't try to make contact, waiting it out until he can stand to look at the apartment again without feeling guilty.]

[It takes just undet a week for Eames to try getting in contact. 'Getting in contact' meaning 'literally turning up at Mal's to have it out now he's (physically) feeling better.']

[It's hardly as if it takes any detective work to figure out where Arthur would go to beat himself up some more, and it takes until he's almost done packing for Eames to decide he's not done with this. Because if this is where it ends then he has a lot to say.]

[So he finds his way to Mal's doirstep, and if Arthur listens he might hear Eames' voice being perfectly pleasant when he greets her and asks where Arthur is. He likes her,after all, no need to drop his shitty mood in her lap.]

[That congeniality is gone when he sees Arthur, practically shaking with the effort it takes not to just punch him in the face.]

I'm so fucking pissed off with you.

[Arthur knows he's in for it as soon as he hears Eames' voice. He's been holed up in the guest room since he got here, trying to find ways to distract himself.]

[But actually seeing the look on Eames' face really seals it. He's a bit afraid that Eames might hit him, but then again it would be totally fair for Eames to hit him, so he stays put on the other side of the room and clenches his jaw.]

I know.

Do you?

[He doesn't think Arthur does, not really, and Eames steps a little into the room. Expression tight and voice accusatory.]

Because I needed you, and you left.

[It's big-- huge even, for Eames to admit. But he's actually too angry to really think about his pride, because that's the part that really gets to him. Arthur fucked up and it's scary in its way and upsetting in another, but Arthur leaving feels like a fucking betrayal. That's the thing he really can't deal with.]

[The shame feels like it's burning right through him. He looks down at the ground and frowns miserably.]

I know, and I'm sorry. I thought it would be better for you.

[Eames scoffs, thoroughly unmoved. He fully believes Arthur's just been doing what's best for himself while telling himself he's doing it for Eamesto try and make himself feel just a little less awful.]

It's not up to you to decide what's best for me.

I know that.

[Arthur throws up his hands helplessly and turns away. He's missed Eames so much, it's so hard being in the same room as him and feeling like he can't reach out and touch him. Eames wouldn't let him, or shouldn't at least.]

It just doesn't feel like you realize how bad this is. Any rational person would have told you to get as far away from me as possible.

[So now he's irrational too. Eames actually laughs, it's sharp and bitter and this time he steps right up to Arthur as he speaks.]

It may come as a surprise given how the last few years of my life have revolved almost entirely around you, but I actually have my own thoughts that aren't based on what you think is sensible.

[Arthur nods like he knew that was coming. He's just too far down the rabbit hole of guilt that he can't even begin to imagine how Eames sees this. He takes a deep breath.]

Well what is it? What do you want?

[If he sounds impatient it's just because he's tired and frustrated.]

[Eames pulls a face at that, because he'd think what he wants should be obvious.]

I want you to come back.

[Part of him just wants to drag Arthur home by his stupid shirt if he has to, but he knows he can't really force it. Eames swallows, glancing down briefly and then back up at Arthur. Because he hates how much he loves Arthur-- how much he feels like he needs him, but he does. And Eames doesn't let go of what he wants without a fight. He's never been that kind of person and he's not about to start now.]

You did this to me. You've fucked me up and I don't just mean this-- [he puts a hand to the bandage on his neck, not that he really needs it but he'd rather that then walk around with bruised skin and stitches on display.] But fuck if I don't miss you so much it hurts.

[Arthur's eyes linger on the bandage and he winces as he remembers that night. He just feels stuck between one kind of pain and the other, and maybe when Eames was in the hospital it seemed easier to choose, but now after all this time...]

I'm hurting too. I can barely function without you, it's...

[He swallows and shakes his head, glancing up at Eames but spending most of the time looking away at the ground or the walls. Anything to avoid the raw emotion he feels when he looks at his face.]

I'm sorry, I should have stayed.

Yeah. You should've.

[Eames sighs, raking a hand through his hair.]

I mean Christ, Arthur. You could've at least let me have a few days to recover instead of leaving while I was asleep.

I'm sorry. I just looked at you and thought that... you know, I'd never have forgiven me.

[He slips his hands into his pockets and his shoulders relax a little, now that he's not so worried about Eames hitting him. He still might, but at least the edge is gone from his voice.]

I felt like I was just causing you pain by being around, and it hurt me too. Sometimes I forget what I am, how awful it is, and being reminded like that was devastating.

[Eames' jaw tightens, listening to that with a deep frown. He understands that this is horrible for Arthur, that hurting someone you care about is a hard experience. He also just... He doesn't want to hear about all that right now.]

You're unbelievable, you know that?

[It's not a compliment.]

[Arthur feels helpless to that so he just shrugs, still looking miserable, but at least he's looking at Eames directly now.]

I'm sorry.

I get it-- as much as I'm capable of understanding, I do. And I get that this is rough on you.

[And he wants to be clear on that point, so this doesn't turn into a fight about how he doesn't understand Arthur's side of things, because they'll never get anywhere if that happens. If there's one thing the two of them can do, they can really start a fight and keep it going for fucking ages.]

[Eames folds his arms over his chest, but just as soon as he's hooked his hands around his elbows, he lifts one hand to gesture at Arthur as he speaks.]

But, just so we're clear? First you nearly kill me, then you decide you have to leave and try to vanish out of my life while I'm asleep and recovering. And now I'm standing here, listening to how difficult this is for you.

[Arthur nods, finally conceding on that point. This never should have been about him, even though the pain he was feeling was so acute and real. He's so awful at this feelings thing.]

I know, I'm sorry. I'll come home, if that's what you want, and then you just tell me what I need to do to make this better.

[Eames sighs, shaking his head. He feels a little like he's speaking to a recording of Arthur that's been made to placate him, but if this is what it takes to get him home so they can actually get through this then he'll take it.]

Just come home. We'll figure the rest out.

[Arthur nods, glancing around the room at his small collection of personals that he brought with him. Usually they'd kiss in this situation, but Arthur's afraid of getting too close without Eames' permission, so he stays put.]

I didn't pack much.

[Eames nods and looks at the door with a sigh, turning slowly to leave the room.]

I'll wait for you outside.

[It only takes Arthur a few minutes to throw everything back into the duffel bag he brought, which he slings over his shoulder when he's done, giving him an excuse for his hunch of shame. He tracks Mal down before he leaves the house to say goodbye, telling her thanks, and that he'll visit again soon. Once he's done with her and Dom he walks out to find Eames.]

I'm ready.

[He feels kind of tense, and at first he'd thought it was just waiting for Arthur, but then Arthur's here and it doesn't go away. Anxiety isn't really a feeling Eames is accustomed to to and he can't pinpoint what's causing it, so he ends up frowning at Arthur a little when he comes out.]

I booked us a cab. Should be here any minute.

[Arthur drops his bag and sits down on the front step of the house with a sigh, feeling Eames' body language pushing him away. He can't think of anything to say that isn't "sorry," and he's already said that about a million times, so he keeps quiet for now as he waits for the cab.]

[Eames waits for the car to come in total silence, not sure if he's glad for the quiet from Arthur or not, but it'd probably just be more apologies and he doesn't think he could deal with that.]

[It does mean though, that unless Arthur has anything to say, the entire stretch of time that it takes them to get home will probably go past in a heavy silence, with Eames not saying anything or even looking at Arthur the entire ride home.]

[Arthur doesn't say anything either, sitting in silence and already missing Mal combing her fingers through his hair and telling him it'll be alright. That was far more comforting than this. But this is not about him, it's about both of them. So he has to tough it out through all the silence Eames wants to subject him to. Which, by the time they make it home and are getting out of the cab to go back to their apartment, seems just about infinite.]

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