i think i'm losing my grip

[falsify]

[Eames is not unaware of the pattern that's started emerging over these last months. The way the tension and the anger in him starts to build like a pressure cooker left unattended until he's ready to fight with anyone at the drop of a hat. It's almost easy to forget he's not like this after a couple of weeks pass, he's never been an angry person. Never been particularly combative outside specific situations. As the time ticks over, it's about all he can do not to start a fistfight with anyone who looks at him.]

[But then they do a job, and Eames gets an outlet for that violence coiled up inside him, and when they get back he's calm again. Serene. Back to himself. It's not something Eames is oblivious to, he just feels like at this point it's a state of being he has to accept. Every conversation he and Arthur have had gets filed away in his mind as something else to be ashamed of, something else that's off-limits, so this is just what it is now until Arthur gets sick of putting up with him and they part ways.]

[At least they're at the good part of things right now, a few days out from a successful job. Eames, at least, is pretty relaxed. Idly going over a few law enforcement transcripts while he eats to check if there's anything out here they should be aware of.]

Comments

[specifiercity]

[Arthur grins and tilts his head to kiss Eames' hair.]

[falsify]

[Eames hums and pulls himself closer, quiet for a few moments before he speaks.]

I'm sorry.

[specifiercity]

[Arthur rubs Eames' back.]

It's okay.

[falsify]

I couldn't stop thinking it was hurting you so...

[He swallows.]

I didn't want to pull you into my fucking mess.

[specifiercity]

[Arthur sighs as he noses at Eames' hair.]

This whole ship is nothing but our combined mess.

[falsify]

Yeah, but you're not... [s i g h] You don't have something like this hanging over you all the time.

[specifiercity]

No, but... I have stuff. It's easier, but just 'cause we don't talk about it doesn't mean you don't help me with it all the time. Yours is just more complicated.

[falsify]

[Eames cuddles in a little more, pressing his face against Arthur's neck and takes in a deep breath.]

I hate it so fucking much.

[specifiercity]

[Arthur hugs him tighter.]

I know.

[falsify]

Sometimes I think... If I could figure out why, but...

[He shakes his head.]

I don't think it actually matters. There's no getting rid of it.

[specifiercity]

[Arthur sighs, brushing his thumb back and forth while he thinks.]

Guess you shouldn't waste the energy trying to make it go away then, right? It's more about coexisting with it.

[falsify]

[That makes sense, but he doesn't like it. He slips an extra arm around Arthur for some security and sighs.]

I had been, but it's different with you.

[specifiercity]

[He gives Eames a squeeze.]

Yeah, this is different than anything either of us have done, I think. But even if it's good, being happy takes work sometimes.

[falsify]

I know.

[God does he know. Doesn't mean he's happy about it.]

[specifiercity]

[He kisses Eames' hair.]

I love you.

[falsify]

I love you too.

[His arms flex briefly, clearly wanting to squeeze Arthur but he doesn't let himself, instead breathing out through his nose, voice barely above a murmur.]

I love you so fucking much. I'd do anything--

[specifiercity]

I know, me too.

[He rubs Eames' back and hums.]

That's why I wanna help you be happy.

[falsify]

[He's still for a moment, and then Eames lifts his head to nose at Arthur for a kiss. He has so many emotions about this man right now.]

[specifiercity]

[Arthur's happy to provide him with that kiss, just slow and gentle.]

[falsify]

[Eames' eyes fall closed with a gentle sigh, taking his time to really absorb everything about this.]

[specifiercity]

[Arthur just holds Eames close, not escalating unless Eames does first.]

[falsify]

[Eames isn't completely sure what he wants, just that he needs to be as close to Arthur as he can be. He leans a little into the kiss, desperate for some kind of relief from the weight of everything they've talked about.]

[specifiercity]

[Arthur's not going to push it, but he does hold Eames as close as possible and lets out a soft hum.]

[falsify]

[Eames settles down a bit after a moment or two of that, sighing softly into the kiss and wrapping himself around Arthur as much as possible.]

[specifiercity]

[Arthur hugs Eames tight and settles in for a nap or whatever they're about to do, happy with how they've left it.]