i think i'm losing my grip

[falsify]

[Eames is not unaware of the pattern that's started emerging over these last months. The way the tension and the anger in him starts to build like a pressure cooker left unattended until he's ready to fight with anyone at the drop of a hat. It's almost easy to forget he's not like this after a couple of weeks pass, he's never been an angry person. Never been particularly combative outside specific situations. As the time ticks over, it's about all he can do not to start a fistfight with anyone who looks at him.]

[But then they do a job, and Eames gets an outlet for that violence coiled up inside him, and when they get back he's calm again. Serene. Back to himself. It's not something Eames is oblivious to, he just feels like at this point it's a state of being he has to accept. Every conversation he and Arthur have had gets filed away in his mind as something else to be ashamed of, something else that's off-limits, so this is just what it is now until Arthur gets sick of putting up with him and they part ways.]

[At least they're at the good part of things right now, a few days out from a successful job. Eames, at least, is pretty relaxed. Idly going over a few law enforcement transcripts while he eats to check if there's anything out here they should be aware of.]

Comments

[specifiercity]

[Here's the thing: Eames isn't the one living with Eames.]

[Yeah, everything's great right now, but the handful of days leading up to their last job were almost unbearable for Arthur. Feeling like he has to tiptoe around his own damn ship isn't great, and as it escalates he even feels nervous making stops and setting Eames loose, risking him calling attention to them or hurting himself by getting in a fight. It all just fucking sucks and he doesn't want to deal with it anymore.]

[But fighting when Eames is in that mood obviously doesn't help, so Arthur's been mulling it over the past few days and he thinks he's decided on the angle he wants to approach this from. So it's good to see Eames calm and relativley happy when he walks in, heading straight for Eames to lean over and give him a quick peck on his cheek before sitting down next to him and glancing at the transcripts.]

Anything interesting?

[falsify]

[Eames smiles at the attention, tilting his head into the kiss, peacefully oblivious to what's going on in Arthur's head. He just keeps scrolling through the files on his tablet with a soft sigh.]

Not really. Usual stuff.

[specifiercity]

[Arthur makes some noncommittal sound, leaning an elbow on the table.]

You got a minute?

[falsify]

[Oh. That looks serious. Eames puts the tablet down and looks at Arthur.]

Yeah. What is it?

[specifiercity]

[Arthur puts his hand over Eames', calm but a little tired.]

I just wanna talk.

[falsify]

Okay.

[Why does he feel like he's in trouble then.]

[specifiercity]

[Arthur looks down at his hand, nervous all over again that this is just going to push Eames right back into that mood. When things are good he thinks maybe he can just endure these ups and downs, but part of him knows he can't.]

I'm worried about you. Things are good right now, but before we did that job... you were just so agitated.

[falsify]

I--

[He doesn't know what to say to that, looking down at their hands with a heavy frown. Of course Eames knows what he's getting at, but he doesn't think he can handle another conversation about this.]

Everyone gets agitated sometimes.

[specifiercity]

[He nods, sighing before he goes on.]

Yeah, I know, but it's... it's every time.

[He finally looks back up at Eames' face.]

I didn't even want to ruin this by bringing it up, but I don't want to watch you do that again.

[falsify]

[He's not angry, not the way he is when he gets keyed up over time, but he does switch gears. Takes his hand back to fold his arms over his chest, defensive more than actually aggressive when he raises an eyebrow and responds.]

You don't want to watch me do that again? Because I have a choice? I sat down and thought about it and decided that is what I want to be.

[Okay maybe he is angry though.]

[specifiercity]

[Arthur is making the choice not to let Eames get him wound up about this. He leans in a little bit, a bit of a pleading edge to his voice.]

Because I love you and I think we can work through this.

[falsify]

[He laughs, sharp and tired and unamused, shaking his head.]

It's not a little rough patch, Arthur, we can't just "work through it."

[specifiercity]

Eames, stop.

[He puts his hand on Eames' arm.]

Please, you have to at least try.

[falsify]

I have tried.

[He feels backed into a corner here and he's trying really hard not to just leave, but. Fuck.]

How many times do we have to argue about this?

[specifiercity]

I'm not trying to argue. I'm tired of it too.

[He thinks about getting closer, but he doesn't.]

This just isn't functional.

[falsify]

Well apparently nothing I try is functional enough for you, so I'm really not sure what else there is to do.

[specifiercity]

You won't talk to me. You won't let me help you.

[He inches closer.]

I want you to be happy.

[falsify]

I feel like we keep having this same conversation.

[He looks down at the table, at what's left of his lunch, and shrugs a shoulder.]

I don't know what you think there is to talk about. There's something wrong with me, and I keep trying to manage it without pushing your limits, but it's never right for you.

[He sighs heavily and shakes his head.]

[specifiercity]

[A touch of impatience enters his voice.]

The only thing I've asked for is that you don't shut me out.

[He sighs and reels himself in.]

I can help you manage this, you just have to let me.

[falsify]

[Eames sighs again, frowning down at the table. He doesn't know what to say or do here, he doesn't feel like he's shut Arthur out, he's just trying to work around his boundaries.]

[He puffs out a breath, looking aside at something on the other side of the room.]

I haven't shut you out.

[specifiercity]

[Arthur takes another slow breath, glancing around the room and then back at Eames, patiently waiting in case he wants to make eye contact again.]

Eames, you just get wound tighter and tighter until we do a job. You walk around this ship like anything could set you off, and...

[He sighs.]

It makes me miss you.

[falsify]

[Nope, he's still not looking at Arthur. He's trying to think things through, figure out what he's missing here. He leans forward on his elbows, tired and annoyed.]

Right.

[He opens his mouth to keep going, but instead just sighs. It's just more of the same, repeating himself again and again when he points out that things were fine for him before. He's doing his best here.]

[specifiercity]

[Arthur puts his hand on Eames' back, inching closer again.]

Just tell me what you're thinking right now.

[falsify]

I'm thinking we keep going round in circles and at this point the only thing left is for me to leave.

[He looks up at Arthur then, completely serious. He doesn't want to but if that's what it has to be.]

[specifiercity]

[Arthur tilts his head to return Eames' gaze, calm and cool.]

If you really wanted to go – if you were done with me and you really didn't want to be here anymore – I'd let you go. But if you left and pretended it was for me, or to save us both from something... I'd hunt you down, and you know I'd find you.