i think i'm losing my grip

[falsify]

[Eames is not unaware of the pattern that's started emerging over these last months. The way the tension and the anger in him starts to build like a pressure cooker left unattended until he's ready to fight with anyone at the drop of a hat. It's almost easy to forget he's not like this after a couple of weeks pass, he's never been an angry person. Never been particularly combative outside specific situations. As the time ticks over, it's about all he can do not to start a fistfight with anyone who looks at him.]

[But then they do a job, and Eames gets an outlet for that violence coiled up inside him, and when they get back he's calm again. Serene. Back to himself. It's not something Eames is oblivious to, he just feels like at this point it's a state of being he has to accept. Every conversation he and Arthur have had gets filed away in his mind as something else to be ashamed of, something else that's off-limits, so this is just what it is now until Arthur gets sick of putting up with him and they part ways.]

[At least they're at the good part of things right now, a few days out from a successful job. Eames, at least, is pretty relaxed. Idly going over a few law enforcement transcripts while he eats to check if there's anything out here they should be aware of.]

Comments

[falsify]

It's not like I haven't tried.

[He shakes his head, looking down at his lap.]

At least this way you can distance yourself from-- [He swallows.] You don't have to be part of it.

[specifiercity]

I never said I wanted distance.

[That pleading tone has come back into his voice, leaning in a little more and drawing his eyebrows together.]

I have things I need too. Otherwise I'd just let you wallow, I guess.

[falsify]

I'm sorry, I just-- I don't know what to do.

[Oh. He upset Arthur again. Eames frowns, reaching for him to put a hand on his arm.]

I feel like you think I'm just stewing in it, but that's not it. It just seemed like this was the best way to not hurt you or pull you into something you didn't want to be part of anymore.

[specifiercity]

[He puts his hand over Eames'.]

I just need you to talk to me. Tell me when you start feeling whatever this is and let me be part of it from there. Leaving me out of it hurts too.

[falsify]

I-- [He swallows.] Okay.

[He said okay before though so let's see how that goes.]

[specifiercity]

[Arthur leans forward to rest his forehead on Eames' shoulder.]

I love you.

[falsify]

[He turns his head to nose at Arthur's hair.]

I love you too.

[specifiercity]

I'm sorry I ruined your meal.

[falsify]

Don't worry about it.

[specifiercity]

Will you come lay down with me?

[falsify]

Gladly.

[what a fucking relief honestly.]

[specifiercity]

[Arthur stands up and waits for Eames to follow before he heads to their bedroom. He's already in comfortable clothes, but he does strip off his shirt before he slips under the covers.]

[falsify]

[Eames takes off his shirt too and crawls into bed with Arthur. He's pretty desperate for affection right now.]

[specifiercity]

[Arthur's happy to give it, immediately wrapping his arms around Eames and pulling him in close.]

[falsify]

[Eames tucks himself against Arthur and wraps his arms around him with a soft sigh, nosing at his jaw fondly.]

[specifiercity]

[Arthur grins and tilts his head to kiss Eames' hair.]

[falsify]

[Eames hums and pulls himself closer, quiet for a few moments before he speaks.]

I'm sorry.

[specifiercity]

[Arthur rubs Eames' back.]

It's okay.

[falsify]

I couldn't stop thinking it was hurting you so...

[He swallows.]

I didn't want to pull you into my fucking mess.

[specifiercity]

[Arthur sighs as he noses at Eames' hair.]

This whole ship is nothing but our combined mess.

[falsify]

Yeah, but you're not... [s i g h] You don't have something like this hanging over you all the time.

[specifiercity]

No, but... I have stuff. It's easier, but just 'cause we don't talk about it doesn't mean you don't help me with it all the time. Yours is just more complicated.

[falsify]

[Eames cuddles in a little more, pressing his face against Arthur's neck and takes in a deep breath.]

I hate it so fucking much.

[specifiercity]

[Arthur hugs him tighter.]

I know.

[falsify]

Sometimes I think... If I could figure out why, but...

[He shakes his head.]

I don't think it actually matters. There's no getting rid of it.