i think i'm losing my grip

[falsify]

[Eames is not unaware of the pattern that's started emerging over these last months. The way the tension and the anger in him starts to build like a pressure cooker left unattended until he's ready to fight with anyone at the drop of a hat. It's almost easy to forget he's not like this after a couple of weeks pass, he's never been an angry person. Never been particularly combative outside specific situations. As the time ticks over, it's about all he can do not to start a fistfight with anyone who looks at him.]

[But then they do a job, and Eames gets an outlet for that violence coiled up inside him, and when they get back he's calm again. Serene. Back to himself. It's not something Eames is oblivious to, he just feels like at this point it's a state of being he has to accept. Every conversation he and Arthur have had gets filed away in his mind as something else to be ashamed of, something else that's off-limits, so this is just what it is now until Arthur gets sick of putting up with him and they part ways.]

[At least they're at the good part of things right now, a few days out from a successful job. Eames, at least, is pretty relaxed. Idly going over a few law enforcement transcripts while he eats to check if there's anything out here they should be aware of.]

Comments

[falsify]

[That's not exactly what he was saying, but that's probably for the best.]

[He shakes his head.] I don't think I can

[specifiercity]

Eames.

[Arthur pauses, trying to figure out what to say. Ultimately he can't come up with anything particularly convincing.]

You have to.

[falsify]

[Well--] Do I? I've managed fine so far.

[specifiercity]

[Arthur's genuinely at a loss for words for a moment, scanning Eames' face for some hint of self-awareness. One would think that you're making your partner miserable with your awful coping strategies you wouldn't say you've "managed fine" but Arthur's gonna let that slide.]

Are you happy with how things are?

[falsify]

[Listen, he just reacted to being told he has to do something. This is difficult.]

[But okay. Honesty. Self-awareness. He can do that. Eames shakes his head with a long sigh.]

Not particularly, but I'd more or less given up on that anyway.

[specifiercity]

[Sigh.]

Well, maybe you can come up with a reason to give it a try.

[Spoiler it's the love of his life sitting right here.]

[falsify]

Arthur, if it was as simple as not hating this part of myself, there would be no problems here.

[This is Captain Self-Esteem they're talking about. Mr "walking the knife's edge between confidence and arrogance." Self hatred isn't exactly something he'd hold on to if he knew how to get rid of it.]

[specifiercity]

I didn't say it was simple or easy.

[He sighs.]

Letting yourself off the hook for things is really hard. But hating yourself for them just ends up worse.

[falsify]

[He visibly deflates a little, looking away from Arthur again.]

Right, but sometimes it's also impossible.

[specifiercity]

No, I don't think it is.

[falsify]

It's not like I haven't tried.

[He shakes his head, looking down at his lap.]

At least this way you can distance yourself from-- [He swallows.] You don't have to be part of it.

[specifiercity]

I never said I wanted distance.

[That pleading tone has come back into his voice, leaning in a little more and drawing his eyebrows together.]

I have things I need too. Otherwise I'd just let you wallow, I guess.

[falsify]

I'm sorry, I just-- I don't know what to do.

[Oh. He upset Arthur again. Eames frowns, reaching for him to put a hand on his arm.]

I feel like you think I'm just stewing in it, but that's not it. It just seemed like this was the best way to not hurt you or pull you into something you didn't want to be part of anymore.

[specifiercity]

[He puts his hand over Eames'.]

I just need you to talk to me. Tell me when you start feeling whatever this is and let me be part of it from there. Leaving me out of it hurts too.

[falsify]

I-- [He swallows.] Okay.

[He said okay before though so let's see how that goes.]

[specifiercity]

[Arthur leans forward to rest his forehead on Eames' shoulder.]

I love you.

[falsify]

[He turns his head to nose at Arthur's hair.]

I love you too.

[specifiercity]

I'm sorry I ruined your meal.

[falsify]

Don't worry about it.

[specifiercity]

Will you come lay down with me?

[falsify]

Gladly.

[what a fucking relief honestly.]

[specifiercity]

[Arthur stands up and waits for Eames to follow before he heads to their bedroom. He's already in comfortable clothes, but he does strip off his shirt before he slips under the covers.]

[falsify]

[Eames takes off his shirt too and crawls into bed with Arthur. He's pretty desperate for affection right now.]

[specifiercity]

[Arthur's happy to give it, immediately wrapping his arms around Eames and pulling him in close.]

[falsify]

[Eames tucks himself against Arthur and wraps his arms around him with a soft sigh, nosing at his jaw fondly.]