i think i'm losing my grip

[falsify]

[Eames is not unaware of the pattern that's started emerging over these last months. The way the tension and the anger in him starts to build like a pressure cooker left unattended until he's ready to fight with anyone at the drop of a hat. It's almost easy to forget he's not like this after a couple of weeks pass, he's never been an angry person. Never been particularly combative outside specific situations. As the time ticks over, it's about all he can do not to start a fistfight with anyone who looks at him.]

[But then they do a job, and Eames gets an outlet for that violence coiled up inside him, and when they get back he's calm again. Serene. Back to himself. It's not something Eames is oblivious to, he just feels like at this point it's a state of being he has to accept. Every conversation he and Arthur have had gets filed away in his mind as something else to be ashamed of, something else that's off-limits, so this is just what it is now until Arthur gets sick of putting up with him and they part ways.]

[At least they're at the good part of things right now, a few days out from a successful job. Eames, at least, is pretty relaxed. Idly going over a few law enforcement transcripts while he eats to check if there's anything out here they should be aware of.]

Comments

[specifiercity]

[Well he's not going to deny that.]

Half of that is watching you let this... take you over. If it's that bad, you could talk to me. We can figure out what to do.

[falsify]

[He just. Groans and puts his head down on his arms.]

We had something worked out and you didn't want to be part of that anymore. And then the solution I tried after that was no good either.

[specifiercity]

[It's a struggle not to roll his eyes.]

You think having me unwittingly participate in your self-flagellation counts as "worked out?"

[Deep breath.]

The fucked up thing is that we could have just kept doing that, all you had to do was be up front with me about what it was. I couldn't be part of it because you just seemed to hate yourself so much after, and you didn't need to.

[falsify]

It wasn't--

[you know what, that's not important. He takes a deep breath and sits up, leaning back in the chair with his arms crossed again. His voice is quiet when he speaks again, but it's not weak or tired, he's just trying to maintain some level of calm.]

I don't know what you want from me here. Am I supposed to change how I feel? Declare that actually I don't mind that this is what I am after all, problem solved.

[specifiercity]

No, no —

[A forceful breath out through his nose. It is so hard not to start a fight right now, and maybe Eames can see his jaw working and maybe take a moment to admire his restraint.]

You can't control how you feel, but you can control how you deal with it. You can hate what was done to you, hate whatever shit you have to put up with because of it, but don't hate yourself for needing to fucking cope somehow.

[falsify]

[Eames is silent for a few long moments. It's the first time Arthur hasn't talked about it like it's just some preference Eames has, and it doesn't give him a lot of room. It's easy to fall back on the indignity of being misunderstood and use that to carry him through.]

[His gaze flicks down to the table and he breathes out a noise that almost sounds like a laugh.]

How can I not?

[specifiercity]

[That feels like progress to Arthur, and his body relaxes slightly with the relief of it. They're not out of the woods just yet, but it's easier to stay calm.]

I don't know. I'm not in your head, but you gotta stop blaming yourself for shit that you can't control... Sometimes that includes the things you need in order to make you feel okay.

[falsify]

[That's not exactly what he was saying, but that's probably for the best.]

[He shakes his head.] I don't think I can

[specifiercity]

Eames.

[Arthur pauses, trying to figure out what to say. Ultimately he can't come up with anything particularly convincing.]

You have to.

[falsify]

[Well--] Do I? I've managed fine so far.

[specifiercity]

[Arthur's genuinely at a loss for words for a moment, scanning Eames' face for some hint of self-awareness. One would think that you're making your partner miserable with your awful coping strategies you wouldn't say you've "managed fine" but Arthur's gonna let that slide.]

Are you happy with how things are?

[falsify]

[Listen, he just reacted to being told he has to do something. This is difficult.]

[But okay. Honesty. Self-awareness. He can do that. Eames shakes his head with a long sigh.]

Not particularly, but I'd more or less given up on that anyway.

[specifiercity]

[Sigh.]

Well, maybe you can come up with a reason to give it a try.

[Spoiler it's the love of his life sitting right here.]

[falsify]

Arthur, if it was as simple as not hating this part of myself, there would be no problems here.

[This is Captain Self-Esteem they're talking about. Mr "walking the knife's edge between confidence and arrogance." Self hatred isn't exactly something he'd hold on to if he knew how to get rid of it.]

[specifiercity]

I didn't say it was simple or easy.

[He sighs.]

Letting yourself off the hook for things is really hard. But hating yourself for them just ends up worse.

[falsify]

[He visibly deflates a little, looking away from Arthur again.]

Right, but sometimes it's also impossible.

[specifiercity]

No, I don't think it is.

[falsify]

It's not like I haven't tried.

[He shakes his head, looking down at his lap.]

At least this way you can distance yourself from-- [He swallows.] You don't have to be part of it.

[specifiercity]

I never said I wanted distance.

[That pleading tone has come back into his voice, leaning in a little more and drawing his eyebrows together.]

I have things I need too. Otherwise I'd just let you wallow, I guess.

[falsify]

I'm sorry, I just-- I don't know what to do.

[Oh. He upset Arthur again. Eames frowns, reaching for him to put a hand on his arm.]

I feel like you think I'm just stewing in it, but that's not it. It just seemed like this was the best way to not hurt you or pull you into something you didn't want to be part of anymore.

[specifiercity]

[He puts his hand over Eames'.]

I just need you to talk to me. Tell me when you start feeling whatever this is and let me be part of it from there. Leaving me out of it hurts too.

[falsify]

I-- [He swallows.] Okay.

[He said okay before though so let's see how that goes.]

[specifiercity]

[Arthur leans forward to rest his forehead on Eames' shoulder.]

I love you.

[falsify]

[He turns his head to nose at Arthur's hair.]

I love you too.

[specifiercity]

I'm sorry I ruined your meal.