vampire trash? me?

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[It's been on his mind a lot over the last few weeks, the idea of becoming a vampire. Partially because he's looking older than Arthur these days, and if he lets that go on too long it's going to get pretty weird, but moreover he just feels ready]

[Anxious as fuck, but ready.]

[The idea of it is terrifying — he'd gone to Mal for an explanation of the finer details rather than worry Arthur with his questions, seeing as she's actually done it before and Arthur hasn't — the idea that he could just... Die. It's not one that sits easy with Eames. He rather likes being alive, in fact half the point of becoming a vampire is to keep being alive, for a stretch on the word, forever.]

[So he's been dealing with that a lot, pretending otherwise whenever Arthur notices him being distant or pensive so he can work out his feelings on this without any outside influence. He knows Arthur wouldn't be mad if he changed his mind, it's a huge change to undertake, but it's not that he might not want this so much as wondering if the risks are really worth it.]

[They are.]

[But now they need to talk about it, so Eames is psyching himself up to do exactly that. Offered to stay in and make dinner while Arthur's off doing his errands to give himself some time alone to think about it. Maybe making some significant progress on a bottle of wine to calm his nerves, maybe it'll slow him down enough Arthur won't realise how keyed up he is the second he gets home.]

Comments

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[Arthur laughs softly and continues, careful to actually clean up and not just smear the mess around. Once that's done he successfully tosses the cloth into the laundry hamper and then wraps both arms around Eames comfortably.]

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[Eames leans back against Arthur with another happy sigh, resting his hands on Arthur's forearms and settling in to stay like this for a little while. He's just really overcome with affection for this man right now (and part of him looking forward to Arthur not being able to tell he's having Emotions because of how he sounds or feels or whatever,) and it could be the fact he's still not fully awake, or the tenderness Arthur's taking care of him with, but Eames can't stop himself murmuring a gentle declaration of love as he settles.]

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[Arthur hums a response in kind, giving Eames a gentle squeeze.]

Maybe you should go back to sleep.

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[Eames shakes his head and turns a little so he can look at Arthur properly, obviously still sleepy but he's fully lucid and lifts a hand to trail his fingers along Arthur's jaw.]

I have this time off, and we don't get to actually sleep together much.

[He tilts his head a little and smiles.]

Plus I might as well get used to this "sleeping all day" thing.

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[Arthur smiles back at him but his eyebrows knit together in mild concern.]

That'll come naturally.

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[Eames gives Arthur a flat look in response. He knows that, it was just flavour for a cute statement that Arthur's ruining.]

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[Arthur sighs, almost apologetic.]

I just think you should soak up every bit of daylight that you still can.

[He puts his palm flat on Eames' stomach and drags it up to his chest.]

Just because you went and got this beautiful tan doesn't mean I think you should quit sunlight all together yet.

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Arthur, I'm not going to be regretting a few days worth of sun in twenty years.

[He frowns, looking down at Arthur's hand on his chest. Logically he knows he's right, but it's not what Eames wants.]

It'll be easier to plan everything if we're on the same schedule

[He trails off weakly, realising it's a poor excuse the second it comes out of his mouth. Maybe he's just gotten ahead of himself here, it's not like this is something he won't be able to do weeks from now; it's going to become the norm pretty soon.]

[But on the other hand it's really not his fault that Arthur's a lot more appealing than the sun.]

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[Arthur leans back and studies Eames' face thoughtfully. It takes a little while before he speaks.]

I get that you're eager to do this.

[It sounds like there's a 'but' coming at the end of that sentence, and Arthur even feels compelled to come up with one on the spot, but...]

I guess we should start really talking about it.

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Maybe when I'm a bit more awake.

[If he sounds a little like he's disengaging it's because he is. It's rare for Eames to let his excitement or his feelings get the better of him and to say he feels embarrassed or stupid because of it would be an understatement.]

[Still not looking at Arthur, he turns his head to look at the pillows and slips away from him to lie down.]

I'm going to get some more sleep.

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[His immediate instinct is to tell Eames to quit avoiding the problem, but he thinks better of it, taking a deep breath instead. He affectionately rubs Eames' shoulder and then turns around to get out of bed, picking up his laptop.]

I'm not going anywhere tonight so if you decide to stay up I'll be in the living room.

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[Eames gets another little bit of sleep, but it's not much. He's in a shit mood now and it's hard to sleep comfortably in that circumstance. It's only an hour, maybe an hour and a half before he's throwing on some sweatpants and heading out to the living room to find Arthur.]

[He doesn't exactly look happy, but he sits down on the couch with a sigh.]

Okay, let's talk about this.

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[Arthur raises his eyebrows as Eames walks in, hoping he's not in a terrible enough mood that he wants to start a fight or whatever. It's hard not to sigh with relief when it turns out it's not that, but the hesitance he feels to be too assuming here definitely helps with that.]

Okay. Where do you want to start?

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No idea.

[He shrugs and purses his lips, he's being a little short, but he's trying to push through his mood here.]

[He sighs.] What's been on your mind the most?

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[Arthur has to deliberate on whether he's going to be honest about this for a moment. The real answer feels a little crazy and he only managed to say it out loud once he got to Mal's and he doesn't want to burden Eames with this. It takes a little while before he speaks.]

Honestly, it's just the idea that I'm going to screw this up somehow. I mean, it's not like it's hard - vampires do it by accident all the time and you have to monumentally fuck part of it up to fail but... you're putting your life in my hands. Part of me really wants to delay that, which is why I'm...

[He gestures vaguely. He knows he's been pushing Eames to enjoy his time as a mortal, sometimes as a way to avoid talking about all of this, but now it's time.]

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[Eames actually has to laugh at that. He doesn't mean to, but it bubbles out of him and he shakes his head and looks at Arthur.]

You have no idea how hard it is not to be thinking about it all the time.

[He lifts his chin and sighs.]

I'm really not okay with the idea of ending up dead and gone, but I'm trusting you with my life every time you bite me. I'm trying really hard to just... Think of it like that. I know it's not the same, but I'd easily go insane fretting over whether or not this'll be the end of me.

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[Arthur puts his hand on Eames’ shoulder and sighs.]

You’re going to drink as much of my blood as you can stomach to make sure that doesn’t happen.

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Trust me, that was very much my plan.

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[Arthur gives Eames a sad but affectionate smile, glad to hae said that out loud but only marginally less worried. There's no use dwelling on it in any case.]

What about you? Is there anything else you've been thinking about?

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[Eames is quiet for a long moment, staring down at his hands. He definitely looks uncomfortable with what he's about to ask.]

How did it change you? Do you remember?

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[Arthur doesn't look shocked at the question but it does give him pause. He's been doing a lot of self-reflection on this topic trying to anticipate anything Eames might run into but he didn't really expect to be articulating it right now.]

[He takes a deep breath and proceeds in a careful, measured tone.]

I mean, it was a long time ago, so I don't remember exactly everything I was feeling and thinking at the time, but it was definitely an adjustment. There's a learning curve to managing the hunger, so it can feel kind of... all consuming, at first. At one point I didn't care who died, as long as I ate, and I had to be reminded that human life is still important.

[He's not looking at Eames as he talks, feeling some shame still over the way he used to be.]

That's the obvious part. I don't know, I hope it'll be different for you, but... realizing I was dead left me feeling kind of hopeless. It's not like I've ever been the most cheerful person, but I... I don't know how to explain it.

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[It's pretty much the answer he expected — Eames has heard Arthur bitch about vampires who can't keep their hunger in check enough to expect that problem — and Eames isn't really sure if it's a relief or a disappointment.]

[A bit of both, really.]

[Still, he reaches for one of Arthur's hands.]

Well I've got you to help me through all that, don't I?

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[Arthur squeezes Eames' hand with a weak smile.]

I think the fact that you have a choice in it puts you way ahead of me already. When I got turned I thought I might still part ways with Mal and Dom and continue on with my life.

[It occurs to him he's never really told anyone that before and it feels weird to get it out. He doesn't really resent them - that much is obvious - but it's still one of those things he can't help but think about from time to time.]

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[Eames shifts to get a little closer to Arthur.]

Must've been rough for you.

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[Arthur shrugs a shoulder and looks up at Eames.]

There's no point dwelling on it. At this point I doubt I ever would have been as happy in my human life as I am now with you.